I hate this time of year & I hate this kind of weather. I unfortunately have some rather negative sense memories associated with it, and I find in the transition periods of the day that it's hard to remember I'm in the present. So I'm going to remind myself.
In the later quarter of the year, 9 years ago, I went through a rather devestating time. There was a life changing event, one that has turned out to be the best thing for me as it forced me to work on doing things that I wanted to do and to think about who I really wanted to be. No, I'm nowhere close to fulfilling either of those goals, but I've done so much more than I ever thought I would. So thanks fuckhead. :)
I find it particularly fitting then, that I should be taking on my first mainstage directing project at exactly this time of the year. It's extemely satisfying, once I made the connection as I really don't think about things that much to have done it on purpose. And so in an attempt to keep boring anyone that might read this and as a simple writing exercise, I'm going to try to document the experience here.
I'm nowhere near as prepared as I'd like to be, but I'm much calmer than I was a couple of weeks ago. I have been so terrified about doing this, largely as I'm often critical of other people's work and karma's a bitch. But I have survived audtions which were great, oh my god, 28 people came out and wanted to be a part of my show! I have a cast (except for an Oberon, seriously, wtf?), I have a costume designer, set designer, make up designer and the best AD I could want. I can visualize so much of it (which is not the same as knowing how I'm going to block the thing), which is the funnest part! For the first time ever, I really feel like I'm creating something. I know, barf, how trite can I get, but I mean it. All I have ever wanted was to be an artist. I couldn't ever even decide what medium to work in, mostly because I have felt that I completely lack talent. I don't create, I interpret other people's creations. That's where my talent lies, I am an actor, I am a photographer, even as a director - let's face it that's just a more encompassing interpretation of a play than acting. But it feels more like creating at any rate. I can close my eyes and actually make up the world and not just the character.
Anyhoo, back to documenting the experience. So far so good. First read through is scheduled for next Sunday, and in the meantime there's much work to do. Need to put together a rehearsal schedule first of all. And in the meantime I have rehearsals for Desdemona, where I'm in my comfort zone being on stage.
It feels great to be working. Give me something tangible to think about. If only I could just do this without all of the other distractions.
