Synchronicity

It's check run day and the computer's done yay! Oh and I forgot my lunch at home. Time to go back to bed now.



So yesterday I had 2 completely separate and random instances of sychronicity ( I think that's what you call it, could just be random coincidence) that can also be linked together. These things totally trip me out.



I just finished reading 1984 and I was reading the afterword, which was discussing utopias and negative utopias and drew the comparison between 1984 and Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. So I finish, that and I go to start my next book Tom Robbins Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climate and he has a couple of quotes at the beginning and the 1st one that I read is from Aldous Huxley. So then later on, I'm watching History Detectives that I taped over a week ago and one of the stories was researching the beginning of Camp David which was originally called Shangri-La (anothoer utopia) and when it was over, Anthony Bourdain was on and the first thing I hear him say is Shagri-La! He was in the Himalaya's looking for the original site of this mythical place. Totally tripped me out. What does it mean!?



Computer's still down.



Happy List 7/30/08

Ravi Shankar

Newcastle

Computer's still down, it's been almost an hour now.

I've been thinking about this apartment I looked at once in Long Beach. It was behind the real estate office I was working at at the time, above the garage. It was so tiny, it had one of those mini kitchens, and I think I was attracted to it because of it's mini-ness. It was a one bedroom and it was so bright and had all these windows and I loved it, but I was like 21 and could not have afforded it. I think I would still like to live there though. I feel like driving down this weekend just to know if it's still there and see if it's available. I need someplace with more windows and preferrable hard wood floors. Someplace clean, not that it would stay that way for long.

One of the things that really struck me in 1984 was that the hero began his rebellion by starting a diary. He basically condemned himself by simply buying it, so when he sat down and didn't know what to write, he realized it didn't matter. The crime was committed and he was free to babble and write any insignificant thing that came into his mind. It didn't need to be revolutionary, because he'd already rebelled. This totally resonated with me, because I'm so stuck on this notion of audience and needing to be entertaining and original or else why bother to write/draw/paint/perform it. I'm living up to my potential if I just sit down everyday and create something. Express anything. While you still have the freedom to do so. This is the only to fight Big Brother.

Ok, computer's back. Time to go be a drudge again.

Wear Your Love Like Heaven

So last night I finished a drawing. This is my first artwork this year, it's not much but here it is. Hopefully this will become a regular posting. Enjoy!

Satan's bras

*WARNING - RANT AHEAD*

Today, I had one of those vivid detailed dreams that completely disorients you upon wakening. I dreamt that I had overslept till 4 in the afternoon and completely missed the reading at the theatre today. My bed was also in one of the cubicles at work. So I got up, checked my phone and no one had even called to see why I wasn't there. Upsetting. So I decided I didn't need to try to make the company meeting which was already starting and I got dressed and went to the mall. Now there is no way that I am going to be able to explain this mall to you. It was like a museum mall. It was huge, with a parking structure several stories high and escalators going up into the sky. It was a labyrinth and and there were people every where and games in the corridors and some of the passages were waist high with water and of course I chose to jump right into those. I made my way to a 2 story room to meet some friends for lunch. This room was painted red and full of Satan related folk art and the idol from the Exorcist was fluttering up near the ceiling and we all sat down and I started whining about how depressed I was and everyone just talked over me. Then I woke up. Random.

So later on after the reading and the meeting which I managed to make, I realized I really needed to go to the mall and once there I realized the meaning of the dream. The Mall is truly hell.

First I'm there because I need to buy new bras. Clearly this is not a pleasure shopping trip anyway. There are few things more depressing and this trip turned out to be so much more so than normal. I go to JC Penney (yes I buy my bras at JC Penney, they don't make them in my size at any place classy) and I find my lovely full size rack (ha!) and I find my normal bras. First, they don't have the size that I need. So I try the next size down (don't). As I try them on I realize that they have made some subtle alterations in the material used. Bad ones. This is all very bad. I stare at myself in the mirror, flesh popping and gushing out over this new seamless wonder elastic everywhere. I begin to have my daily breakdown realizing there are few things more hideous than my nakedness on the face of the earth. I laugh as I realize that the bra which claims to cover my back rolls has actually made new ones that weren't there before. I put my nice ratty falling apart bra back on and take the torture device back out. I then proceed to circle said rack for at least 10 minutes hoping that the correct size will magically appear. It doesn't. So then I decide to look at Nordstom's. I have a $50 gift certificate it will all be much better.

Nordstrom's. I loathe Nordstrom's. I can't even explain. It's so pretentious in a wannabe noveau riche kinda way. I go upstairs to the lingerie department. What a laugh, it's this tiny corner of the store. They carry 3 brands, none of which I've ever heard of before and there is clearly no "buy one, get 50% of the 2nd" sale going on. I suddenly feel like I have gained another 50 pounds and my sundress has become a tacky muumuu. I wander in, wincing every time some salesgirl cheerfully asks if I need help. They do have larger sizes here but they all seem to be on the bottom rack. That's right make the fatty bend down, fuck you. So I sit on the floor like it's Barnes and Noble and start digging through looking for something. Suddenly I get a lovely whiff of my underarm area. Yep, I sweat and I smell bad. I just can't take it. I can't try on the $50 bra when I have BO, I'm too disgusting for words! So I left. I nearly ran out of the store. I just want to go home and never impose my presence on mankind again. Instead I change my clothes (as I can no longer stand the muumuu) and go see Cabaret, which was awesome, but whilst I'm there I'm introduced to someone who I attempt to make conversation with and I'm pretty sure she just thought I was an idiot, which is true actually. She was asking me what I do as the literary manager of the theater and I seriously couldn't answer her. She asked who my favourite playwrights were and the best I could come up with was Shakespeare and Pinter. I'm an ass and she was plainly aware of it. She looked at me as though I were stuttering nonsense. This is why I don't talk, I ramble and make people uncomfortable. Awesome best ego boost day ever.

I mean look I'm big I know, but I'm not gargantuan! Why can't I have a bra that fits and is still sexy and can be worn with tank tops!? Why is this so much to ask!? Because Satan runs fashion and hates fat people. Jesus hates us too.

P.S. Fuck you JC Penny, I can order online direct from Maidenform for less. Ha! I never have to go through this again!

Rainbow Rob

Today is Tuesday, which means that I got my Free Will Astrology newsletter from Rob Brezny, which is an absolute highlight of my week. I'm nuts about astrology, always have been. I mean I'm a Leo, the most awesomest sign out there so why wouldn't I be. :) Anyhoo, I became acquainted with Rob through a friend who used to email the horoscopes to me as a kick, just for fun (hey love, miss you! I know you're reading this!) Rob's horoscopes were so New Age Hippy Dippy fun, we always had a good laugh and we'd picture him all dressed in Rainbow and reading poetry in the park to the pigeons. Dreamed of going to one of his "appearances" but he's based in Northern California (big surprise) so we never did.

Rainbow Rob has written a book called "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings". It's available for sale on his website. Now I admit that I have not bought his book, although I've been tempted. He does, however, sometimes include snippets from it in his newsletter along with quotes from other spiritual leaders and writers. When I first started getting the newsletter I just skipped down to my horoscope, I was frequently surprised how right on he was. You see, he doesn't really make predictions for each sign like a normal horoscope, but he does more a spiritual reading for your week. A status check of the stars more like. He is always so quirky in his metaphors. I realized awhile back that I was no longer reading them as a joke, but that what he had to say was resonating with me. So I started reading the articles as well.

I'm completely suspicious of gurus, cult leaders and motivational speakers. I'm not a follower by any means, but you've just got to read his stuff. He's all about balance and upsetting the balance at the same time. This is old school, fuck your perspective, laugh in the face of evil kinda stuff. I picture him as a kind of Pied Piper, an ambivalent mystical creature. He's just putting his stuff out there and you can take it or leave it. Freedom, beauty, truth and love. I feel he's brethern.

So check his site out if you want. He seems a little much at first, but he might grow on you.
http://www.freewillastrology.com/

Today

• Seeing a bunny with a cotton tail on my walk


• Tears for Fears "Mad World"


• Fresca's Killer B Burrito


• Matthieu Kassovitz


• Inspector Lewis


• Dirty Ol' Town (Thank You Darby)


• Jack


• Getting Things Done


• Jabberwocky

Weird

Ok, update on the day. I just checked my myspace and had a message from an old friend, who told me that she ran into my ex-husband with his son. His son. A flood of different feelings is flooding me right now, as if they haven't been for several days already.

Most people know that I was trying to get pregnant when I left Jeff. When I left, I hardened my heart to the idea. I was so grateful that I hadn't bred with that particular person. I completely felt that the universe had been watching out for me. I also knew that that was it. My window had closed and I wasn't meant to be a parent. I systematically began to resolve myself to this and convince myself that I no longer wanted that which I had previously been nearly obsessed with. It has worked pretty damn well. I am too selfish to be a really good parent and I think it's best for any child that I would have that they not be born.

But I find as my barreness becomes more and more of biological fact, it gets harder to keep the deep sadness that I sometimes feel about this at bay. It wells up more and more, especially as my former comrades in population control defect on me one by one. Now this.

Don't get me wrong, he's a bastard and I still thank God every day that I didn't have a child with him. It's the confrontation with a former life that has gone on without me to fulfill my former dreams that's bizarre.

He told me he was going to get a vasectomy. What an ass.

And now...

to counteract the negativity of earlier... a happy list! It's small but what the hey.

Gay teens working at McDonald's who tell me I have pretty eyes and they wish they had them.
Big fuffy skirt


Ok so that's it for now. But I did get this awesome quote today so I will share that too

"What the publice criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you." - Jean Cocteau

Beautiful

Funk

Yes, there is no more denying it I'm in a blue funk. A bad one. I just want to sleep, I can cry at the drop of a pin. I have some valid things to be worried about, but mostly I can't really tell you what's causing it. I just have this sense of sitting still and watching everyone else go on with their lives. I don't want to bore people so I don't talk about it, I mean there's really nothing to talk about except a vague growing unexplained sense of dread. But I have to get it off my chest, so I will tell you about it world. I think of blogging a little bit as writing a letter and burying it under a tree. The fact that I have friends who are actually going to read this is rather intangible to me.

Happies 7/10/08

Book Club with Maile
Target
Cherries
Saying No
Turning Japanese by the Vapors
Cranford
Children's stories
Ewan MacGregor
Crushes

Arghhhh!!

Somebody please just shoot me in the fucking head now! Just lost another processor, 2 days to month end and guess who's going to be working overtime for the next 3 days. Yep me. I'm allowed to cry while I work right?