4/30/09

• Hot record storage delivery guys
• Sending a friend request on the FB to someone that you like, but you don't think they really like you, but who cares, it still feels good when they accept you. :)
• Friends you haven't seen in 20 years that still get your pop culture references.

4/28/09

• Cherry Almond Scones

The demons are here and they are strong and they are winning. It's been a long time since I felt this poorly. I apologize to all up front for I feel like a sullen teenager, ready to snap or burst into tears at the slightest provocation. Something has to give soon.

Weird Dream

Ok, odd dream for the day. I had a couple this morning but this is the one that stuck. I was on a bus with a bunch of people and someone had come on who knew me and called out my name and the guy sitting behind me was like "Amber Scott?" and I turned around and said yeah. It was this smaller guy with a buzzcut and he had like a baby carrier full of stuff next to him in the seat. He says "You don't remember me do you?" and I looked really hard and I said "No, what's your name, love?" and he kind of chuckled and said "That's funny you should call me love, my name's Mike Love." I looked at him really hard and I kinda remembered him and I asked if he'd gone to Mayfair with me. He laughed, but not in a humorous way and he starts to tell me, of course you don't remember me, you never even noticed me and I was so in love with you and you didn't even know I was there and then I did this. He holds up his hands and there was like a burn on his hand and at first I thought that was what he was referring too, but then he twisted so I could see his wrists and the thick white scars going across both of them and I was just horrified. I couldn't even say anything to him but the realization that he had tried to commit suicide because of me was just confusing and I couldn't really process it. Then I woke up. To the cold and grey Monday morning.

4/24/09

• Hash browns
• Philosophical conversations with friends far far away
• Big Yellow Taxi

4/23/09

• New keyboard
• "A Quick One While He's Away"
• Green Day
• A Tale of Two Cities
• gnomes

Freaky

Ok, so I've had similar experiences with my iPod reading my mind before, but today just took the cake. I'm listening at work and in my head I spoke to it and said "Darby, I want to hear some Poxy Boggards, please play some soon." Yes I do this regularly and if it plays within like the next hour I feel like I was heard. But today, it played it the VERY NEXT SONG! Swear to God, the next song was the Poxies. It was awesome and a little bit freaky.

Happy List 4/22/09

• Finding a new trick in Excel
• Poxy Boggards
• Jasmine flowers
• Kenneth Branaugh
• Looking forward to ANTM night!
• Dirty Faire boys

Mid-life crises? Already?

What the fuck am I doing with my life? Yes, this is going to be one of those. Seriously, though. More and more, I feel like I've wasted all my time. Like I'm getting no where. Like I'm sitting in the corner watching everyone else live life and leave me behind. I feel like I've never even known where to begin. I can't say "I want x, y and z" and just have it be a matter of getting it. I'm soooo wishy washy, this would be nice and this would be good, but I don't want to give up this or that. Or ok, yes there are some things that I want, but my financial position doesn't make it feasible. And I'm sooo tired of doing it on my own. Yes, I have amazing friends and I love them and thank God for them every day, but it's not the same as having a family. I've never had a family. Never had someone that I really felt belonged to me or that I belonged to them. I feel like everyone else is capable of forming bonds that I'm just not. Like I live in some kind of bubble that keeps me at arms length from everyone. A bubble that I know I built for my own protection and now I'm trapped in forever. At the same time (here comes the wishy washy) I look at the people that I know that have all the stuff you're supposed to have, relationship, house, kids and I'm not sure that they're any happier than I am. It just seems like no matter what you have, you always want something else. It's never enough. I cherish my freedom, not answering to anyone, but Jesus, it's lonely. People simply cannot appreciate how long I have lived without basic human affection and intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex here. There are a million ways that people bond within relationships and I miss all of that. I feel diseased. Worse, I feel robbed.

I'm sorry, I try sooo hard not to talk about all of these negative feelings. I know that I have a good life and I'm lucky to have what I do have. I appreciate, I do. But some days. Some days, it just seems so pointless. Some days, I just want to run but I have no place to run to. I have no answers and I have no patience and I have no hope. Yes, I am a moody mother fucker, I know. Trust me I know.

Thank you to anyone who actually read this all the way through for indulging me and letting me get this out. Again I apologize for just generally being a prat and a pain in the ass. We shall return to our more positive programming tomorrow. I love you.

Happy Monday...

• Denholm Elliott
• Rosewood
• Pretty spring skirts & sundresses

And so the heat has arrived...

and we are plunged into summer. ;)

What a lovely weekend. I have all my life been an autumn/winter person, but I find as I grow older that I enjoy spring/summer more and more. I believe it is the sensuality of it. The aliveness. And I am so ready to be alive.

Yesterday, I went to the Renaissance Faire with Katie and Emily, a spring ritual of mine. I hope to go again soon in a couple of weeks. It was quite hot, but wonderful. I am a history geek, so I love it because of that, but I also love to dress up, it's one of the few places where I feel attractive, all cinched up and feminine. Plus I love the playacting aspect. There's a bawdy freedom in it all and people get away with things that they would never get away with anywhere else. It's so much fun. But most of all, it appeals fully to my Romantic sensibilities. I buy jewelry and smelly things and nowhere else in the world does it seem possible to fall in love. And fall in love I do, every time.

That wonderful feeling has carried over into today and I hope it will stay all summer. I intend to fall in love as often and with as many people as I can, for it is the best feeling in the world. Euphoria to think on the object of one's affection, as long as one doesn't bother to examine the reality of the situation. I find myself less and less inclined to pay attention to reality, it crushes the soul. The lonliness that I feel when looking at things in the stark light of day is so overwhelming, I must escape. I have often chided myself for this, finding it to be a fault of mine, but no more. If I can find happiness in castles in the air, so be it. One day, I will find one that is real.

Sigh no more ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.

Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no more
Of dumps so dull and heavy,
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leafy.

Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.

Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.

Good Friday

• Captain and Tenille
• Short work day with no boss!
• And lunch provided
• Pina colada, getting caught in the rain, making love at midnight
• Foreign movies

Happy Holy Thursday List

• Pete Townshend
• Going to Gogol Bordello with the girls next month to kick off a 4 day holiday weekend
• Dr. Pepper
• Boss is gone for the weekend and we all get to go home early tomorrow
• 4:00 PM
• Cooking dinner tonight
• Gary Sinise

Workplace crushes

I would like to sing the praises of the workplace crush today. I have several as you may well imagine, and I wonder how I would get through the day without them. It's such a glimmer of sunshine in your dull dull workday. To hear that person's voice across the cubicles, see them round the corner as you walk down the hall, try to catch their eye, say hello. We all need something to look forward to. Something to daydream about.



My number 1 crush at work is a man I affectionately refer to as "The Gnome". Remember guys, I find the unusual attractive. He travels a lot so most days, he's not here. It makes it that much more exciting when I suddenly run into him. Most days he just ignores me. It's cool, it's not one of my major obsessive crushes. Those are not good to have at work, they get out of control quickly.

It's the little things kids. Find the silly little daily things that make your heart beat a little faster, cultivate them and enjoy them!

The Happy List Returns!!!

Soo, it's been awhile, but I'm back! As part of my re-centralizing, I need to get back to my regular writing and lists of positivity! Thanks to the girls this weekend for inspiring me. :)

• Colonel Brandon (could write a whole blog on this alone :)
• Workplace crushes
• Forgetting about everything for a whole night to lay on the couch and watch tv
• Chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches
• Pretty spring time skirts
• Tea with friends
• Egg salad sandwiches
• Tamborines
• Lucy
• Getting hit on (even if it was only in my imagination)
• Facebook comments
• The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
• The smells of springtime

Ok that's enough for now, there may be more later.

Crossroads

Jesus, how is it possible that I haven't written anything for 3 months! Seriously life is whizzing by me way too fast.

Well, once again everything's been turned upside down. Which is not necessarily bad, but you know, everytime I think I have the game figured out it escalates. First and foremost, my life is so much cooler then I ever would have guessed it would be 10 years ago. 10 years. In 2 weeks (April 17) it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Crazy. It really seems just like a couple of years ago since I walked out but it's been over 7 years. Almost 3 times as long as I was even married. How can something that took up such a short time in one's life have such a lasting impact?

But that's an aside really. Welcome to another one of my stream-of-consciousness rambling blogs. Enjoy!

As of Feb 14, I became co-Artistic Director of Hunger Artists. Soon that co- part will go away. Wow. I really don't know how I got here (see previous paragraph, I'm still half living in that suburban previous life). Part of me sits outside of myself, looking on and saying "That's so awesome! What an achievement! Be proud." The voices in my head are sneering and saying "Who the fuck do you think that you are? You can't do this. You're going to fuck up and ruin everything. They're all gonna laugh at you." It sucks that those demon voices are so much louder than anything else. I mean, I know that I have just jumped off the deep end here, totally counting on my bravado to carry me through. I've never had any faith in my creativity before and now I'm responsible for the artistic direction of a theatre company. What?! Um ok. And things are happening! I am going to be in charge of at least one upcoming fairly major project this year, and I've never even directed a show before. I'm a fucking lunatic. At this point I am completely trusting in my passion and love and friends to keep me afloat. Trying not to think about the fact that faith is not something that comes easily to me, but if I don't somehow have faith in myself that I can do this, then the demons will completely take over. And (light bulb) maybe that's really the source of my anxiety. Why does taking this on scare me so much? Is it really that I'm afraid of failing? Am I afraid of everybody hating me? Or am I just afraid that the voices are true? That I don't even have a chance.

Well, so far, it's been such a whirlwind that I haven't even had a chance to really worry about it. So many things to be discussed, so many decisions, so much responsibility, so many meetings. I go from exhilerated to despondent in the time that it takes to receive an email and then back again. And the part that confuses me, is that I seem to be rising to the occasion. I'm not sure I recognize this person. I have opinions when I'm asked about things and reasoning to back up those opinions and what an amazing feeling that those opinions carry weight. They mean something, they make a difference. I've never been in a position before where it wasn't just me butting in with some piece of wisdom, unsolicited. No, this is different. It's my place for once to be the one putting forth ideas, and I'm terrified that they won't be there when I need them, but so far, I've surprised myself. So far, my head is above water.

There's a lot about this new role in life that I really could do without. A lot. I don't have a lot of patience with people and believe me I'm going to have to find some. People drive me crazy and I really have to bite my tongue a lot. But I'm hoping that part will get easier. Less personal somehow. I don't know. Is it even possible to put your whole self into something and not take it personally when people criticize it? I mean, I get it, they're not directing this stuff at me, but you know what? Everything that the theatre does is mine now. Every show, whether I work on it or not. I no longer have the privilege of "it's not my show", you know? It's very parent like.

So yeah. That's been my 2009 so far. Everything's new again. I'm excited but I kinda of wish I could just be acting again. I've never been good with change, every transition for me is a difficult birth. Even though mentally, I'm starting to get there, starting to feel a little better, physically my body is freaking. Physically, I'm suffering from depression. Waking up with horrid anxiety, wanting to sleep most of the time. No ability to do things that I need to do, like clean or take care of anything other than the theatre and I need to start taking care again. I have to find that time. Hence the blog. Maybe if I get off my ass and start writing again, I can feel a little less chaotic. It'll get better. Or not, there goes my phone again.

Lastly I just wanted to say hey to people I haven't seen much of lately. I miss people. I miss being able to relax and to talk and drink and not be fucking stressed out all the time. I'm sorry if I've been short with anyone too.

So that's that. I doubt that any of this even makes sense, I just needed to get it down. As always, thanks for listening.



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