Romantic Nonsense

I hate romances.  But Amber, you say, what do you mean?  You watch them constantly, you love them! Yes, yes I do, but once they are over, and you are left once again in your empty apartment and with the snoring cat and the rain pouring down outside ceaselessly and the great void that is your life rears it's ugly head, then I have to say that I hate them.  Because they lie. They want to give you a false hope that the myth of falling in love is such an easy everyday possibility and for a long time I believed that it was.  It was just a matter of time and it would be my turn.  It's an inevitability of life, everyone finds a partner.  Sure it may not last forever, but then it's just a matter of time before the next one comes along.  But it's time to realize that it's not to be.  I'm 38, overweight with bad teeth and hair and myopic to boot, and the world has changed around me. And I am my own worst enemy because I can't believe anymore.  Not tonight, I can't. But I will continue to watch them, as we all need to have that thrill and the only place I can find it is in the fantasy.  Maybe I can lose myself in the happy endings and find my faith again.

Mikhail

So I haven't posted a boy in a long time, but this picture is too good not to share.
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11/7/10

"If from society we learn to live, 'tis solitude should teach us how to die; it hath no flatterers; vanity can give no hollow aid; alone - man with his God must strive: or it may be, with demons who impair the strength of better thoughts, and seek their prey in melancholy bosums, such as were of moody texture from their earliest day, and loved to dwell in darkness and dismay deeming themselves predestined to a doom which is not of the pangs that pass away; making the sun like blood, the earth a tomb, the tomb a hell and hell itself a murkier doom."

-Lord Byron
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10/27/10

Holy crap, so much for blogging about being a director.  It's been such a whirlwind experience and here it is closing weekend already.  Wow.  It was awesome.  For the most part.  I was madly in love with theatre again there for awhile as well as one of my actors.  As I do. So intense and amazing to watch it come together.  Tech week knocked me down a peg or two.  It was successful, but the doubts definitely came to play in my brain and then once it was open all the drama in the cast exploded, but I was so detached.  The weirdest part about being a director is how intimately involved you are in the beginning and how completely unimportant you are at the end.  Like being a parent I guess. Well at least in my experience.  We all know how fucked up my family is.  No offense Dad. It was extremely fulfilling while it lasted, and in a few days it will be nothing but some photos and some war stories.  C'est le Theatre.  I currently feel very little about it. I'm just left with a hunger to be creating.  For companionship. To be a part of a collective and be necessary as an artist, not as a babysitter or administrator.  I want the fire and to be consumed. Perhaps some adventure and torrid love affair to keep things interesting.

For now, I'll read my books.

9/5/10

Ok, here we go!  First rehearsal today, Desdemona opened yesterday which is great, I love it, so happy.  Found an Oberon, found a lighting designer, now I just need to figure out what I'm doing.  Oh yeah and I have this bizarre growth on my eyelid, doctor has no idea what it is, but it's getting weirder so back to the doctor I go tomorrow.   Have hopes it will be cooler today, nice and overcast this morning.  I'm so ready for fall and winter.

8/25/10

So...in directing limbo really. Everything's kind of on hold as I finish up season selection and go into tech for Desdemona. It's frustrating. Waiting for my lighting designer to see if she can do it and still looking for an Oberon. And I feel like a little kid who's parents just don't have time for them, as the friends whose advice I could really use are too stressed with their own projects to help. So I'm trying not to worry, I have to trust myself. :)

In other news, work is in absolute shambles as usual, one good person quitting and one bad fired last night while that she devil still wanders free.

I'm definitely challenged at the moment, which is not a bad thing. Could use everyone's good thoughts to get me through, any confidence boosters are appreciated. Or shoulders to freak out on. :)
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Directing

I hate this time of year & I hate this kind of weather. I unfortunately have some rather negative sense memories associated with it, and I find in the transition periods of the day that it's hard to remember I'm in the present. So I'm going to remind myself.

In the later quarter of the year, 9 years ago, I went through a rather devestating time. There was a life changing event, one that has turned out to be the best thing for me as it forced me to work on doing things that I wanted to do and to think about who I really wanted to be. No, I'm nowhere close to fulfilling either of those goals, but I've done so much more than I ever thought I would. So thanks fuckhead. :)

I find it particularly fitting then, that I should be taking on my first mainstage directing project at exactly this time of the year. It's extemely satisfying, once I made the connection as I really don't think about things that much to have done it on purpose. And so in an attempt to keep boring anyone that might read this and as a simple writing exercise, I'm going to try to document the experience here.

I'm nowhere near as prepared as I'd like to be, but I'm much calmer than I was a couple of weeks ago. I have been so terrified about doing this, largely as I'm often critical of other people's work and karma's a bitch. But I have survived audtions which were great, oh my god, 28 people came out and wanted to be a part of my show! I have a cast (except for an Oberon, seriously, wtf?), I have a costume designer, set designer, make up designer and the best AD I could want. I can visualize so much of it (which is not the same as knowing how I'm going to block the thing), which is the funnest part! For the first time ever, I really feel like I'm creating something. I know, barf, how trite can I get, but I mean it. All I have ever wanted was to be an artist. I couldn't ever even decide what medium to work in, mostly because I have felt that I completely lack talent. I don't create, I interpret other people's creations. That's where my talent lies, I am an actor, I am a photographer, even as a director - let's face it that's just a more encompassing interpretation of a play than acting. But it feels more like creating at any rate. I can close my eyes and actually make up the world and not just the character.

Anyhoo, back to documenting the experience. So far so good. First read through is scheduled for next Sunday, and in the meantime there's much work to do. Need to put together a rehearsal schedule first of all. And in the meantime I have rehearsals for Desdemona, where I'm in my comfort zone being on stage.

It feels great to be working. Give me something tangible to think about. If only I could just do this without all of the other distractions.

Latest pix

Ok, so I haven't been very good about keeping on the blog, sue me, I've been a little busy. :) Here's some recent shots I like. Let me know what you think!

Natalie Dee of the Day

nataliedee.com

Bat Boy Photos

So I ended up doing the photos for Bat Boy the other night, so I thought that would count as my photo project for this week. These are a few of my favorites, there are more on Facebook and in the lobby at the Hunger Artists. That's kinda like having a photo exhibit, right? ;)

Photos #1

Ok, so I've been having fun with my new camera and I said I was going to start doing a regular photo blog, so here we go! These are shots that have been taken in the last week, just a few of my favorites. There's more on Facebook, but these will be my best picks. Enjoy!

Oh Wait...

This is the picture of Russell that I meant to upload although the other one is just as good if not better. :)

Robin of the Hood

Finally saw the new Robin Hood last night and Russell Crowe's hotness did not disappoint. I'm going to have to buy the DVD just for the shot of him shirtless. Damn it, why did I loan out my copy of LA Confidential! I guess I'll be watching Gladiator this weekend.

Russell lives in my Top 5 but today he gets to be Boy of the Day! I've attached an older but quite devestating pic of him. :) Le sigh!
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Happy 6/29

Sweet Transvestite
Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich
Guy that I'm crushing on that shall remain nameless just in case god forbid he ever read this
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Lunch time check in

So yeah, I've decided that maybe I can squeeze in a little writing on my lunch time since I don't make time for it any other time. I mean might as well make use of my captivity till they shut me down right?

Things have been a little calmer lately, which I think is a good thing. Still plenty to do, but evs it's summer, f off. I want to play! Took the new camera for a little spin this weekend which was awesome. Perhaps I can start a regular photo blog or something. What a lovely idea! Anyhoo, spent a lovely day walking around LA/W Hollywood with Ross on Saturday. I really envy his cool apartment even if it is blazing hot in the evenings. Spent Sunday wandering the Santiago Creek riverbed with Jami then sushi. Yep, I know I said sushi. Well she really ate sushi and I had some California Rolls and some fab Chicken Teriyaki rolls. They were really good. Totally blew off all the work I was supposed to do this weekend. Sigh.

Ooo but I did go back to my teen years and cut and dyed my hair myself yesterday! It turned out ok. I went more of a strawberry blond, but I was seriously eyeing the bleach... I miss my old punk days. I miss a lot of stuff.

It's my high school bf's birthday today. Yes I still remember everyone's bdays. For the first time in almost 20 years I actually wished him a happy birthday thanks to the Facebook. It's still weird to me. I wonder what he thinks about it or if he does at all? I'm just overanalysing, arent' I?

Days gone pretty fast so far, I'm looking forward to movie night tonight. I think that's all at the present, almost time to clock back in. Till tomorrow!

Punk God

Today's boy: Billy Joe Armstrong

The sneer, the eyeliner, the big staring eyes, the boyish grin. He makes me little punk rock heart go pit-pat!
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Accomplishment

There's something so calming about a day where you just get stuff done. When stuff comes up that normally I would just put it off and get all freaked out and anxious, but instead I just make the call and get it over with and now I can just go to bed. And feel kinda good.
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30 boys

I have been lost in a fog of 30 Rock the past week, so I am going to catch up with a 3-fer tonight. I had not watched this ever, even though I had heard fabulous things about it and one of my most trusted friends was a huge fan. Well, said friend told me last week that Jon Hamm had been on the show, so I decided to watch the episode online. Dear me, Jon Hamm is even hotter when he's playing a goofball and his hair is all floppy and he's wearing glasses and has hooks instead of hands. I mean he's super hot on Mad Men all brooding and damaged and powerful, but dude. Floppy hair.

On this same episode, an appearance by Michael Sheen, the adorable and extremely talented Brit from Frost/Nixon also playing a hot goofball. Love love love! Clearly this show has hot guys on it! How have I been missing this!

Well no more. In the last week and a half, thanks to the evil that is Netflix instant watch. I have watched all three seasons that are currently available on DVD. Yep, that's a lot of TV, only to brutally find out at the end that Season 4 is not yet available. And in this marathon of tele viewing, I find I have also fallen in love with Alec Baldwin. And I mean Alec Baldwin now, the big beautiful bear that he is. Such good hair, and the comic timing! So charismatic and funny and yeah, I'm hooked.

When the heck is Season 4 coming out!!

Oh crap, I forgot about Floyd!! This show is full of hot guys!!! Floyd!

Mad Man

So apparently Michael Gladis was at SCR last night. I was not at SCR last night. I was at Hunger Artists as usual in a show, being silly. Michael Gladis plays Paul Kinsey on Mad Men, one of my favoritest shows of all time and my favorite of all the hotties on that show. Yep even more than Jon Hamm. So in honor of the fact that we were in the same county last night, I will award him the boy of the day award. Some day...





God damn I love a bearded man.

Powers

Yep, still sprung on Powers Boothe today (isn't that kind of the coolest name ever?). I so wish I could just go home and watch Phillip Marlowe instead of doing a show tonight. Sigh, such is the life of an actress. To further feed the beast, I have added all of Deadwood to my Netflix queue so I can watch it all over again. I'm too broke to buy the whole series although that does need to happen. I love Deadwood, mmm Tolliver. :)

Spring Fever

Ok, kids, Spring is definitely here and all my ridiculous celebrity crushes have reached a new level. So I thought, I might start telling blogger who was in the spotlight because it seems to change regularly.

For the last week or so I've been completely obsessed with Powers Boothe. He may be old now, but he's still got that smoldering glare and when he was younger and playing Phillip Marlowe, he was ridiculously hot. I wish I could post pix but I'm writing from my phone. Maybe later.

Today however, I have an inexplicable craving for some Jeremy Piven. Who is similar looking actually to Powers so maybe it's not that inexplicable. I have to say this about Piven though. In looking for photos of him on the Google, he's a very bad dresser. Still hot though and I think I need to watch some Entourage.

I wonder who it will be tomorrow. :)
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Le sigh

It's pretty bad when I can't even drum up a happy list. But that's about where I'm at right now. Every turn I take seems to be a dead end and I'm tired of constantly putting off what I want to do for obligations I'm already committed to.

Yes ladies and germs, I'm about at the end of my rope. Behold the ugly mug of despair and don't try this at home kids. Remember, I'm a professional.
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Happy List 3/1/10

Bollywood
Avoiding Rear End Collision
Pleasant Dreams
3 Weeks Till Spring!
New Calendar Page
Drawing
The Decemberists
Weirdos
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