Happy 12/19/08

• Candy Cane Shot Glass
• Chili's
• Snow
• Dr. Pepper
• Kind friends who take care of you when you don't feel good
• Secret Santa

Happy 12/12/08

• My picture on OC Weekly home page
• Tomato soup
• Walking
• Xmas lights
• Facebook comments

12/2/08 Happy List

• My coworker just told me I looked skinnier!


• Clouds


• Tomato soup and oyster crackers


• Mighty Mighty Bosstones

On the pallid bust of Pallas....

Halloween is tomorrow! It hardly feels like it, but it is. And I still don't know what my costume is going to be. I'm just horribly disappointed this year. Outside of the Discount Halloween stores selling overpriced slutty costumes, you really wouldn't even know it. I've seen next to no decorations, there's been no major horror movie marathons on tv, nothing! Travel Channel did take me to some fab haunted houses around the country and finally TCM is having a 48 hour marathon of cheesy old horror movies which I'm currently watching, but shouldn't they have had a month long festival?? This is fucking Halloween! The holiest day of the year! I want to be immersed in it, and all it represents. Christmas can goddam wait a couple more weeks.

I have been a morbid creature my whole life, obsessed with anything dark. Some of us haven't forgotten what Halloween truly represents. I mean I love a good party as much as the next person don't get me wrong, but for me the party still has it's spiritual side. It's a reminder that that the lean times of winter loom, a reminder that evil is out there, but if we disguise ourselves in it's own robes and laugh at it, we can turn the tables and scare it off. A time to visit with our ancestors and friends that have moved on as the veil grows paper thin in the witching hour. A time to look our mortality in the face and mock it. Eat drink and be merry, my friends, for tomorrow we may die. A time to revel in our aliveness by scaring ourselves half to death.

So let's put on some face paint and do the danse macabre tomorrow night. The dead do travel fast and if you listen closely you can hear them wailing on the wind. Until then, I will be watching some B class horror...

I did it

Ok I did it. I called and I got voicemail (whew!) and I left a rambling message about how sorry I was for her loss and that I was ok and I gave her my email and told her that was the best way to contact me. I said I was sorry I hadn't called sooner. That was it. Probably not enough, but at least I did it. I wish I knew why this was so hard for me. I'm afraid that there is something really wrong with me and I'm a horrible person incapable of truly caring about other people. It makes me sad.

Ghosts

It was a quiet weekend, but I received a disturbing phone call. I had a previous life. A rather unhappy, stagnant, sad previous life that I walked away from several years ago. I left behind people who just didn't fit anymore. Maybe it hurt them, but that wasn't my intent. Well, one of these people called me on Saturday night.

She's the mother of a guy that I dated for like a year in high school. She filled a huge gap left by my own incompetent mother and I was a daughter that she could take shopping and go to lunch with and try to mentor. She was an important influence on me when I was a kid, but our relationship had begun to sour for me well before I pulled my disappearing act. She calls now like once a year or something, always dramatic about how sad she is that I don't call her. The guilt is so palpable already in her messages that I really have no desire to return the call and I haven't the last few times that she's called. I already have one mother who's heart I've broken, do I really need two?

So Saturday night, I'm out with some friends having a lovely time, getting ready to see a show and I have a voicemail from a Restricted number. This fills me with terror. I have a phone phobia, I really do. This developed from many years of avoiding my mother's calls and then for awhile the ex's. The phone usually equals someone yelling at me and telling me what a piece of shit I am. Also, the phone means small talk. I'm horrible at small talk. I have to figure out what I'm going to say, be witty and engaging, get the timing down right. It's a lot of pressure! Some of this is mitigated by caller ID, I mean I know if it's one of my friends calling it's probably ok
but my friends text me or email. An actual conversation is something that takes place when we're together.

So I check the voicemail. It's her. She's been trying and trying and trying to get ahold of me (does one call a year really constitute trying and trying and trying?) she thinks about me all the time and wants me to just leave her a message letting her know that I'm ok even if I don't want to talk to her (seriously?) Greg's dead and her brother's dead and she just wants to hear from me. Ugh, my stomach is churning, the anxiety is rising. What do I do? Well, the obvious answer is that I call her back, I mean what's the big deal, I should be happy that she cares enough to still be trying to maintain contact with me, right? I'm an asshole, right? But the feeling is more like walking through a dark swamp while slimy hands pay at your feet, trying to find purchase of your pant leg and pull you down into the deep dark depths. WTF is wrong with me?

I haven't called yet. I should just bite the bullet and do it, get it over with, it'll be my good deed. (I totally just typed dead instead of deed, Freudian?) What is this thing that I have about the phone? I can't even call people when I know they're going to be friendly. Seriously. Ok, so anyway that's weighing on my mind.

The rest of the weekend was lovely. I stayed in Friday night, did nothing. Watched TV and read. I worked out on my Wii Fit a whole 30 minutes. Saturday, got the car washed, did some dishes, put the laundry away. I went to the Anaheim Halloween parade, which was cheesetastic! There was an elephant and Shriner's in mini cars. Then we saw Bug which was ok and then closed down Big's. Area 51 was playing, which is actually a good hair/metal cover band. Yesterday, hung out, watched Lars and the Real Girl which was good, kinda sad. Finally got around to sending out the newsletter. I made chicken enchilada soup and de-seeded a pomegranate. Read. It's nice to read. :)

I want it to be winter and then I don't. I can already feel the depression creeping in, little fingers and toes of it. I'm ok but I'm sick of the dry hot sunshine heat. I want moisture and sweaters and cold and cuddly time. I need some cuddly time. :)

Tired....

I have a cold. Well I think I do, it might be that my allergies have finally won the battle against Claritin. Either way, I just want to sleep.

So I've come back to theatre this week. Acting and directing for Beyond Convention, which I'm loving so far. Directing is so much fun, at least on this small scale. I love that all the silly ridiculous ideas that come into my head can actually be done! And I just have to say, try this! It's a rush. Love being able to sit back and get to see my work. Acting is still my first love though and I hope that I can memorize lines again. Isn't that funny, how the most mundane part of it is usually my biggest worry. Do I still have the capacity to remember what to say and when? God I hope so. On top of that we're also beginning rehearsals for Flying Spaghetti Monster: The Holy Mug of Grog. Yes, that's right boys and girls, Bonnie rides again! Sadly, my Shamus will not be the same person. I'm sad, but I'll make do. I love Bonnie though, she hasn't been heard from since the Much Ado cast party and I miss her. :)

Update on the fella I went out with last month. We've been emailing off and on, he's been really busy so we haven't hung out again, but I think he'll come see my shows. I keep going back and forth on this. I like him, and he won major bonus points the other day for recognizing what my email address is from. I just have a hard time, letting things just be what they are and I wish I had more insight into what he thought about me. Yes, hello, Leo actor, what about me? Does he like me as a friend, does he see a potential for it being something else, am I just a freak? Yes, I need to take a Valium I know, because then I start freaking out a little over absolutely nothing. Probably the answer is that I'm just a freak. Still the attention is delightful, and I admit that when I do get a text or an email out of the blue, I get a little giddy. There was a picture of us together from the wedding and it was really cute and I started to get warm fuzzies and I just don't really know what that's about, it's entirely too soon for that. Ok, I need to stop, starting to get panicky.


Yes, this is a catch up blog and I'm bored at work with no one to talk to, so suck it. I'm just going to keep writing random thoughts until I'm done. :) I'm sick of the weather. Fuck, it's so hot! It's almost Halloween and it's not even remotely fall like. I just want to bundle up on the couch and drink hot chocolate and apple cider and make pumpkin bread. I want it to be dark and cold and spooky and fit with my lonely moods.

This morning I flipped off an old man out on the corner with his Vote Yes on 8 sign. Supposedly a Yes vote = religious freedom. Wow, I was never aware that one of my main constitional rights was somehow in jeopardy because two of my dear friends who love each other would like to make it official and have the same rights that I do should I decide to shackle myself to another human being. Again. These people are seriously pissing me off. I doubt that he even saw me but it made me feel better in some really juvenile way. 7:30 in the morning and I have to deal with your political bullshit. I needed a hashbrown.

It's National AP Appreciation Week! I bet you didn't know that. We've been doing lots of fun activities this week, like breakfast at Denny's and yesterday we got a 15 min massage which was very nice and I still have the bruises as a souvenir. Tomorrow, we'll be watching Office Space, and I'm the only one that sees the irony in that. Seriously. Today we're going to grow some plants and on Friday department field trip to Color Me Mine! Is it fun? Sure, unfortunately I have a keen eye for the absurd and there's something so ridiculous about all this. But they're feeding me so I guess I won't complain.

Speaking of work, yes I got a promotion and a raise, yay me. Normally I would be celebrating, but the truth is that I feel guilty about it. I feel bad that I'm ok (knock wood) while everyone around me is either already unemployed or may be soon. I even feel a little bad about being the only one in my department that is happy with this restructure that we did that gave me the promotion. Just generally feel guilty.

Ooo Wii Fit! Ok, so I've had it for a week and a half now and I've been pretty good about working out. And it really is a work out, I'm totally sweating after 20 minutes. I didn't do it last night as I was feeling puny, and of course I haven't really lost any inches yet, but I do feel the difference, just stronger, well until I got the cold at least. I love my Wii!

Ok, I guess that's it, I've wasted enough time. Sigh.

I wish that I had a carton of eggs in my car every time I see one of those "Yes on 8" Bumper Stickers.

Wild Weather

This morning there was actually weather in Southern California. There were dark rain clouds and blue skies and white puffy cotton balls and bright dawn sunshine and as I drove into the brilliant eastern sky, it rained, poured down on me muddying my windshield making it nearly impossible to see and I felt a great exhiliration as I drove blindly down the freeway in the morning rush.

It seemed the perfect metaphor for these recent weeks. There has been so much going on that I haven't had a moment to write, nor have I been able to decide what to say. So to sum up, I have gotten a promotion as a result of a complete upheaval at work. So far I've been basically supporting everyone, training and helping out where needed. Still waiting to hear what my raise is going to be funnily enough.

I had a good friend and now I don't. Thank god I still have other good friends. Nobody died or anything that tragic, just someone decided they don't want to be my friend anymore. Hurt like hell. No matter how many friends you have, they are all unique and important to you in their own ways. No one is dispensable, not matter what the corporate world wants you to believe.

I went out with a very nice man. Closest thing that I've had to a date in 10 years. Of course, it wasn't actually a date, there was no romantic intention, no agenda whatsoever, and because of that it was beautiful. There is nothing like living completely in the present moment.

I took part in my dear friend's wedding. I read a lovely passage from Shakespeare, welcomed guests, ate my fill, danced all night and lived with love all night. Magical.

Truth be told, in spite of all the drama of the last 2 weeks, I've felt great. Between work and forming new friendships, my ego has definitely been boosted. The day after the wedding was weird, well this whole weekend was. I was certainly hit by it all and I slept most of the weekend. Did nothing except housemanage for Jungle Book. It was a definitely pause. Now on to the next thing. It's time to go back to the theatre. I'm going to direct again, for Beyond Convention this time. Hopefully I'll be acting as well. I don't even know if I can still do it. I'm honestly nervous that I've lost my touch. But that is for the future, I'll keep you posted. :)

Happy 9/12/08

• Jethro Tull
• Clouds
• Obama Sticker on car in Repbulican parking lot
• Loose fitting jeans
• Vincent Price
• Plans to go to the Ship before show tonight

Theatre cat

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Perfect Night

I just experienced a rare thing of beauty. A near perfect night.

A few weeks ago, while searching for something fun to do to keep my idle hands busy, I found this event at LACMA called LA Flash, where they were going to be showing projections from a photography exhibit of LA street life taken in 1973 and were going to be taking photos for the current LA Flash project. It was a late night event and I figured I would go out to this on my own. I just didn't really think anyone else would be particularly interested or want to make the trip up to LA. Then I thought no Susy would dig the 70's subject matter and love the clothes so I asked her and then we were going to go. At the last minute, we asked Jill and Ross who both went and Gene and Emily and suddenly we had a group outing. It was so exciting that I had this idea that everybody got on board for.

So I've really been anticipating tonight, and it was just wonderful! There was nothing that necessarily happened it was just nice to be out and looking at art and being a part of something and being with good friends with no drama. The people watching was priceless. I love LA. We stood in line and got our pictures taken and then we walked through some of the galleries. We all went to dinner before hand and then out for dessert after and then Susy and Jill and I drove back home. I was left with this wonderful sense of satisfaction and hopefulness because I just want to do it again.

To top it off, my night blooming jasmine is finally blooming. Perfect end. Except that I don't want it to end. I'm currently refusing to go to bed in a sad attempt to extend the evening. It never works though does it?

Well, I think they are going to be posting the pictures taken tonight online so I will post a link as soon as I can!

21

Jim Sturgess is way too beautiful to be a scientist. I'm sorry, this should be an objective commentary on this movie but he's goddamn distracting. Actually this movie is making me nervous. I guess that's supposed to be good, but it's not a suspenseful kind of nervous, more like when a friend of yours is making a bad decision and you can't really say anything about it. Maybe it's because the main character is being played by the most beautiful man in the world and I don't want to see him get beat up or whatever's about to happen to him. Maybe it's because I can't really understand how this counting cards thing works. Maybe it's really that the only thing holding my interest is the pretty boy. Well let's face it, it's the only reason I rented it in the first place. Don't get me wrong, it's a good movie. I love Kevin Spacey, it's good seeing him on screen again even if he's not really doing much and his character's a total asshole. There's some interesting camera work. Oh wait, yep, there's the beatup scene, wow, didn't see that coming. He's even prettier when he's all fucked up.

Actually finished the movie and the end had a nice twist, the last say 15 minutes sucked me in somewhat.

marriedtothesea.com

Goggie

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Beware of Darkness

Watch out now, take care
Beware of falling swingers
Dropping all around you
The pain that often mingles
In your fingertips
Beware of darkness
Watch out now, take care
Beware of the thoughts that linger
Winding up inside your head
The hopelessness around you
In the dead of night
Beware of sadness
It can hit you
It can hurt you
Make you sore and what is more
That is not what you are here for
Watch out now, take care
Beware of soft shoe shufflers
Dancing down the sidewalks
As each unconscious sufferer
Wanders aimlessly
Beware of maya
Watch out now, take care
Beware of greedy leaders
They take you where you should not go
While weeping atlas cedars
They just want to grow, grow and grow
Beware of darkness (beware of darkness)

-George Harrison

Ginsberg Quote

"I have a new method of poetry. All you got to do is look over your notebooks... And think of anything that comes into your head, especially the miseries...Then arrange in lines of 2, 3 or 4 words each, don't bother about sentences."

- Allen Ginsberg

Happy Wed 8/13

• Hunky albeit married co-worker who came over requesting information. Always turns me into giggling schoolgirl.
• Being barefoot at work with pretty toes
• Successfully doing situps and lifting weights 4 days in a row and counting
• Possibility of going to see Flogging Molly next month (and maybe someone else might be going to the same show. Please God be kind.)
• My Disneyland pass will be working again as of this Sunday
• George Harrison

Birthday Aftermath

I've just taken a four day weekend for my birthday. It has been for the most part lovely, with some bumps.

Thursday was the best. A crowd of friends came to Skosh's to celebrate with me and saw to it that I was well inebriated. Stayed over at Jami's, watched tv into the wee hours with Mark and back home in the morning stopping for a quick breakfast burrito from Pepe's.

Friday, I stayed home, watched Waitress, which was ok, several episodes of Cadfael and the baseball game (Dodgers won.)

Saturday, I went up to the Norton Simon looking for inspiration but I can't say that I found any. Still it was a beautiful trip and I took some pictures. Stayed in again that night. More baseball (Dodgers lost) and reading. Oh and also watched some of the Olympics.

Sunday, lunch with Maile and then to the Bistro for the afterparty for Erika's wedding. I must say that it was very nice to be among people again.

Today was awesome. Terri took me for my first mani-pedi and it was glorious. Completely pampering and my toes are pretty! Now if only there were someone I could dazzle with my flirty feet. Then dinner and conversation. Wonderful. I watched The Savages when I got home and did my best not to get depressed, although I want to marry Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Now watching Sense and Sensibility so that I can dream of Alan Rickman tonight.

But let us speak of birthdays. They are worse than New Year's Eve, for they are one's personal fresh start of the next solar cycle. I fought all weekend against reflecting on the past and fearing for the future, trying not to place any significance on this arbitrary number that is supposed to be a defining factor in my life. I feel like I am standing in the eye of the tornado of other people's lives, wondering when the storm will sweep me off of my feet, and if and when it does, will it lift me to the heavens or bash my brains against the side of a barn? But this self indulgent (not to mention self pitying) rumination is useless and defeating. Entertainment is my only salvation.

And so the the long slow death of the year begins. The hot dry winds will be blowing soon, the air is already tinged with smoky scents and the night grows longer. I yearn for the fall when the sultry nights will no longer by piquing my romantic sensibilities and I can retire to my books and poetry.

Thank you to all my spectacular friends who made this a remarkable birthday. It really meant a lot to me to be so thought of. As you can see, I am quite dependent you all to keep me from the yawning jaws of melancholia.

With love.

Birthday!

Yes, today is my birthday. And even though I had to come to work, I have to say it's been a pretty good day. I'm so hyper! I haven't been this antsy in a good way for a really long time. Looking forward to getting out of here, going to Skosh's with the gang, eating some stroganoff and drinking some whiskey. Best of all, 4 day weekend. Lord, the rest of the afternoon can't go fast enough!

Best part of your birthday is of course the attention. I think I've just truly gotten an energy charge off of hearing from so many people! Apparently I'm completely starved for attention. So thank you! I loves you all!

On a side note, and I know people will argue with me about this, "Love on the Rocks" is the best song Neil Diamond wrote. Just sayin.

Friday! 8/1/08

Should be a good day. There are many things happening today, it's Lammas, new moon, and there's and eclipse. And all in Leo. Oh the moon's in Leo today too. Banner day!


I watched Hellboy last night. Now this was a movie that caught my interest when it came out, but I'm really not much of a comic book movie person. I decided after seeing the previews for Hellboy II and watching Pan's Labyrinth that I should give it a shot. Am I glad that I did! I loved it! First, Ron Perlman is just a great actor. I knew this already and I loved him in City of Lost Children but he is so perfect as HB, he completely embodies him. By the end of the movie I was thinking that he was kinda hot (yes this disturbed me a little but in a good way). It was funny, but never too much so. The villians/monsters were awesome and I totally appreciated the occult aspect to it. The pairing of the Nazis with a resurrected Rasputin was out there but still ended up working. I can't wait to see the 2nd one.


I dreamt this morning that I was watching a movie video of a Rolling Stones (featuring Paul MacCartney) cover of The Misfits Die, Die My Darling. Random. I'm very excited I've been remembering my dreams lately. It makes me feel like I've been on some kind of adventure and gives me something to chew on during the day as well as providing some wonderful inspiration.

Things that made me happy yesterday:

• Friends that call me on my bs and call me cute all at the same time.


• Friends that tell me I'm charming and charismatic


• Harry Potter


• Togo's cookie


• IM'ing about boys


• Singing in the car


• Not doing one damn thing on my to do list.


• Spaced

Ok seriously, my computer went down again today. Only this time, it was just me. Turns out, someone with my same name doesn't work for the company anymore so my profile got disabled. How crazy is that? I totally felt like I was being vaporized. I was terminated!

Ok, so I found this fab new Britcom that I love! It's called Spaced, it's by the guys who did Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, two of my favorite movies. BBC America's been running it at midnight, but thanks to the magic of DVR I've been getting to watch them all. On my list of new favorite things.

Ok, I need to pre-order my copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard now.

Synchronicity

It's check run day and the computer's done yay! Oh and I forgot my lunch at home. Time to go back to bed now.



So yesterday I had 2 completely separate and random instances of sychronicity ( I think that's what you call it, could just be random coincidence) that can also be linked together. These things totally trip me out.



I just finished reading 1984 and I was reading the afterword, which was discussing utopias and negative utopias and drew the comparison between 1984 and Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. So I finish, that and I go to start my next book Tom Robbins Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climate and he has a couple of quotes at the beginning and the 1st one that I read is from Aldous Huxley. So then later on, I'm watching History Detectives that I taped over a week ago and one of the stories was researching the beginning of Camp David which was originally called Shangri-La (anothoer utopia) and when it was over, Anthony Bourdain was on and the first thing I hear him say is Shagri-La! He was in the Himalaya's looking for the original site of this mythical place. Totally tripped me out. What does it mean!?



Computer's still down.



Happy List 7/30/08

Ravi Shankar

Newcastle

Computer's still down, it's been almost an hour now.

I've been thinking about this apartment I looked at once in Long Beach. It was behind the real estate office I was working at at the time, above the garage. It was so tiny, it had one of those mini kitchens, and I think I was attracted to it because of it's mini-ness. It was a one bedroom and it was so bright and had all these windows and I loved it, but I was like 21 and could not have afforded it. I think I would still like to live there though. I feel like driving down this weekend just to know if it's still there and see if it's available. I need someplace with more windows and preferrable hard wood floors. Someplace clean, not that it would stay that way for long.

One of the things that really struck me in 1984 was that the hero began his rebellion by starting a diary. He basically condemned himself by simply buying it, so when he sat down and didn't know what to write, he realized it didn't matter. The crime was committed and he was free to babble and write any insignificant thing that came into his mind. It didn't need to be revolutionary, because he'd already rebelled. This totally resonated with me, because I'm so stuck on this notion of audience and needing to be entertaining and original or else why bother to write/draw/paint/perform it. I'm living up to my potential if I just sit down everyday and create something. Express anything. While you still have the freedom to do so. This is the only to fight Big Brother.

Ok, computer's back. Time to go be a drudge again.

Wear Your Love Like Heaven

So last night I finished a drawing. This is my first artwork this year, it's not much but here it is. Hopefully this will become a regular posting. Enjoy!

Satan's bras

*WARNING - RANT AHEAD*

Today, I had one of those vivid detailed dreams that completely disorients you upon wakening. I dreamt that I had overslept till 4 in the afternoon and completely missed the reading at the theatre today. My bed was also in one of the cubicles at work. So I got up, checked my phone and no one had even called to see why I wasn't there. Upsetting. So I decided I didn't need to try to make the company meeting which was already starting and I got dressed and went to the mall. Now there is no way that I am going to be able to explain this mall to you. It was like a museum mall. It was huge, with a parking structure several stories high and escalators going up into the sky. It was a labyrinth and and there were people every where and games in the corridors and some of the passages were waist high with water and of course I chose to jump right into those. I made my way to a 2 story room to meet some friends for lunch. This room was painted red and full of Satan related folk art and the idol from the Exorcist was fluttering up near the ceiling and we all sat down and I started whining about how depressed I was and everyone just talked over me. Then I woke up. Random.

So later on after the reading and the meeting which I managed to make, I realized I really needed to go to the mall and once there I realized the meaning of the dream. The Mall is truly hell.

First I'm there because I need to buy new bras. Clearly this is not a pleasure shopping trip anyway. There are few things more depressing and this trip turned out to be so much more so than normal. I go to JC Penney (yes I buy my bras at JC Penney, they don't make them in my size at any place classy) and I find my lovely full size rack (ha!) and I find my normal bras. First, they don't have the size that I need. So I try the next size down (don't). As I try them on I realize that they have made some subtle alterations in the material used. Bad ones. This is all very bad. I stare at myself in the mirror, flesh popping and gushing out over this new seamless wonder elastic everywhere. I begin to have my daily breakdown realizing there are few things more hideous than my nakedness on the face of the earth. I laugh as I realize that the bra which claims to cover my back rolls has actually made new ones that weren't there before. I put my nice ratty falling apart bra back on and take the torture device back out. I then proceed to circle said rack for at least 10 minutes hoping that the correct size will magically appear. It doesn't. So then I decide to look at Nordstom's. I have a $50 gift certificate it will all be much better.

Nordstrom's. I loathe Nordstrom's. I can't even explain. It's so pretentious in a wannabe noveau riche kinda way. I go upstairs to the lingerie department. What a laugh, it's this tiny corner of the store. They carry 3 brands, none of which I've ever heard of before and there is clearly no "buy one, get 50% of the 2nd" sale going on. I suddenly feel like I have gained another 50 pounds and my sundress has become a tacky muumuu. I wander in, wincing every time some salesgirl cheerfully asks if I need help. They do have larger sizes here but they all seem to be on the bottom rack. That's right make the fatty bend down, fuck you. So I sit on the floor like it's Barnes and Noble and start digging through looking for something. Suddenly I get a lovely whiff of my underarm area. Yep, I sweat and I smell bad. I just can't take it. I can't try on the $50 bra when I have BO, I'm too disgusting for words! So I left. I nearly ran out of the store. I just want to go home and never impose my presence on mankind again. Instead I change my clothes (as I can no longer stand the muumuu) and go see Cabaret, which was awesome, but whilst I'm there I'm introduced to someone who I attempt to make conversation with and I'm pretty sure she just thought I was an idiot, which is true actually. She was asking me what I do as the literary manager of the theater and I seriously couldn't answer her. She asked who my favourite playwrights were and the best I could come up with was Shakespeare and Pinter. I'm an ass and she was plainly aware of it. She looked at me as though I were stuttering nonsense. This is why I don't talk, I ramble and make people uncomfortable. Awesome best ego boost day ever.

I mean look I'm big I know, but I'm not gargantuan! Why can't I have a bra that fits and is still sexy and can be worn with tank tops!? Why is this so much to ask!? Because Satan runs fashion and hates fat people. Jesus hates us too.

P.S. Fuck you JC Penny, I can order online direct from Maidenform for less. Ha! I never have to go through this again!

Rainbow Rob

Today is Tuesday, which means that I got my Free Will Astrology newsletter from Rob Brezny, which is an absolute highlight of my week. I'm nuts about astrology, always have been. I mean I'm a Leo, the most awesomest sign out there so why wouldn't I be. :) Anyhoo, I became acquainted with Rob through a friend who used to email the horoscopes to me as a kick, just for fun (hey love, miss you! I know you're reading this!) Rob's horoscopes were so New Age Hippy Dippy fun, we always had a good laugh and we'd picture him all dressed in Rainbow and reading poetry in the park to the pigeons. Dreamed of going to one of his "appearances" but he's based in Northern California (big surprise) so we never did.

Rainbow Rob has written a book called "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings". It's available for sale on his website. Now I admit that I have not bought his book, although I've been tempted. He does, however, sometimes include snippets from it in his newsletter along with quotes from other spiritual leaders and writers. When I first started getting the newsletter I just skipped down to my horoscope, I was frequently surprised how right on he was. You see, he doesn't really make predictions for each sign like a normal horoscope, but he does more a spiritual reading for your week. A status check of the stars more like. He is always so quirky in his metaphors. I realized awhile back that I was no longer reading them as a joke, but that what he had to say was resonating with me. So I started reading the articles as well.

I'm completely suspicious of gurus, cult leaders and motivational speakers. I'm not a follower by any means, but you've just got to read his stuff. He's all about balance and upsetting the balance at the same time. This is old school, fuck your perspective, laugh in the face of evil kinda stuff. I picture him as a kind of Pied Piper, an ambivalent mystical creature. He's just putting his stuff out there and you can take it or leave it. Freedom, beauty, truth and love. I feel he's brethern.

So check his site out if you want. He seems a little much at first, but he might grow on you.
http://www.freewillastrology.com/

Today

• Seeing a bunny with a cotton tail on my walk


• Tears for Fears "Mad World"


• Fresca's Killer B Burrito


• Matthieu Kassovitz


• Inspector Lewis


• Dirty Ol' Town (Thank You Darby)


• Jack


• Getting Things Done


• Jabberwocky

Weird

Ok, update on the day. I just checked my myspace and had a message from an old friend, who told me that she ran into my ex-husband with his son. His son. A flood of different feelings is flooding me right now, as if they haven't been for several days already.

Most people know that I was trying to get pregnant when I left Jeff. When I left, I hardened my heart to the idea. I was so grateful that I hadn't bred with that particular person. I completely felt that the universe had been watching out for me. I also knew that that was it. My window had closed and I wasn't meant to be a parent. I systematically began to resolve myself to this and convince myself that I no longer wanted that which I had previously been nearly obsessed with. It has worked pretty damn well. I am too selfish to be a really good parent and I think it's best for any child that I would have that they not be born.

But I find as my barreness becomes more and more of biological fact, it gets harder to keep the deep sadness that I sometimes feel about this at bay. It wells up more and more, especially as my former comrades in population control defect on me one by one. Now this.

Don't get me wrong, he's a bastard and I still thank God every day that I didn't have a child with him. It's the confrontation with a former life that has gone on without me to fulfill my former dreams that's bizarre.

He told me he was going to get a vasectomy. What an ass.

And now...

to counteract the negativity of earlier... a happy list! It's small but what the hey.

Gay teens working at McDonald's who tell me I have pretty eyes and they wish they had them.
Big fuffy skirt


Ok so that's it for now. But I did get this awesome quote today so I will share that too

"What the publice criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you." - Jean Cocteau

Beautiful

Funk

Yes, there is no more denying it I'm in a blue funk. A bad one. I just want to sleep, I can cry at the drop of a pin. I have some valid things to be worried about, but mostly I can't really tell you what's causing it. I just have this sense of sitting still and watching everyone else go on with their lives. I don't want to bore people so I don't talk about it, I mean there's really nothing to talk about except a vague growing unexplained sense of dread. But I have to get it off my chest, so I will tell you about it world. I think of blogging a little bit as writing a letter and burying it under a tree. The fact that I have friends who are actually going to read this is rather intangible to me.

Happies 7/10/08

Book Club with Maile
Target
Cherries
Saying No
Turning Japanese by the Vapors
Cranford
Children's stories
Ewan MacGregor
Crushes

Arghhhh!!

Somebody please just shoot me in the fucking head now! Just lost another processor, 2 days to month end and guess who's going to be working overtime for the next 3 days. Yep me. I'm allowed to cry while I work right?

6/30/08

Concerts in the park w/friends
Big fat pigs sleeping with their ears covering their eyes
Easy Cheese (Bacon Cheddar flavor)
Lucifur
Bosses who are on vacation
Dead Can Dance
Dancing in my cubicle to Ella Fitzgerald without getting caught
Dave Brubeck
Tweaks and Tabitha
Cotton skirts
Dusk
Gary Oldman and Tom Wilkinson

Happy List

At some point last week, I realized the euphoria had worn off. Friday morning dawned and the old sense of depression was back. So once again I decided to fight. I have no intent to spend my summer vacation moping around waiting for something exciting to happen and being disappointed.

I began keeping a list of things that made me feel good, those tiny moments that we usually ignore but that make life worth living. And to make it official I want to share these lists.

Here's what I had for Friday:

Well, Friday duh
Chocolate Chip Muffin and Sweet Mint Iced Tea
The Killers
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Ok Go
Sleep sleep and more sleep

Yes, let's back up a minute. I actually won Employee of the Month for May. Now I make no bones about the fact that I hate my job. I won't go into it here, but it seriously sucks my soul into hell on a daily basis and I need to find a new one. However, I have always secretly wanted to be Employee of the Month if only for the irony. I go into the monthly meeting wondering "maybe this time?" and it never was. I've never been known for my team attitude, but I am good at what I do. I always figured I didn't kiss enough ass to actually get it. But Friday as I was grasping for straws of sanity, it happened. Dear God, a little recognition. Hugs and congratulations, emails saying I was someone's favorite AP person. That this was so deserved and should have happened a long time ago. What is this? A sudden sense of pride in my work? Craziness! It was like getting off stage on opening night. Yes, I admit I'm an attention whore.

So by focusing on the little, something exciting and big was actually allowed to happen. Hmmm. I still need a new job.

Saturday's list:

Well Saturday I didn't sit around with a notebook, so I didn't record anything, but a small list doesn't mean things were bad.

Blue and the ocean
Chinese food with friends
Aloe vera

And so far today:

Perfectly scrambled eggs and Frank's Red Hot
Anthony Bourdain
Actually catching the cute neighbor across the way out for his early morning shirtless cigarette.
All About Eve

So there's my new project. It may be boring for any poor readers out there, (although I suspect most of what I'm writing already is) but I find this an interesting experiment. There will be many many repeats I'm sure as I find comfort in the same things over and over again and lots of food stuffs will appear I'm sure.

"My life is made of patterns that can scarcely be controlled."

-Simon and Garfunkel

Hummingbird

It's nine o'clock on Saturday morning and it's already 86 degrees. I stepped out on the balcony to see if a walk is even feasible (it's not) and as I stood there, a hummingbird flew up, hovered for a second not a foot away from my face and flew off. Happy Summer Solstice.

Midsummer Eve

Walking through the greenwood in the blue haze of dusk, the warmth of the day still radiating in my skin, contrasting with the cool breeze rustling my hair. The boughs of the trees dance, the night comes alive with the peeping of frogs and the calls of night birds. Jasmine permeates the air, I am lost and dizzy and ecstatic.

The faint strain of flutes and fiddles floats on the wind drawing me further into the woods. In a small clearing, under the rays of the full moon, the faery folk hold their revels. From behind a flowering bush, I look on in wonder. They dance hand in hand, winding around and around, forming circles and breaking apart again in a never ending spiral. Snails sit on the sidelines providing seats for those not inclined to dance, spiders accompany the band on their webs and fireflies bob in and out of the phantasmagoria. A wild cacophony sounds, soothing and exhilarating all at once. The atmosphere is charged with a magic electricity.

Then Fate comes to play with me, causing me to slip and the noise breaks the spell. A thousand tiny glowing creatures fly at me at once, knocking me to the ground and disappear. I remember no more.

The sun's bright beams bring me to my senses. A perfect ring of toadstools my only proof I did not dream.

Quote of the Day

"Dance with a girl three times, and if you like the light of her eye and the tone of voice with which she, breathless, answers your little questions about horseflesh and music about affairs masculine and feminine, then take the leap in the dark."

-Anthony Trollope

Rare Feeling

"Good feeling, won't you stay with me just a little longer." Violent Femmes

It's the strangest thing, but lately I feel good. Really good. At times almost euphoric. I probably just jinxed it by writing that, but I hope not. I don't have anything in particular to be happy about, but it's like something came along and turned down the volume on the demons in my head and I've been able to just enjoy where I'm at. I have this great sense of hope and I feel like I'm in love, but there's no one to be in love with, or rather I'm in love with everyone and everything. It's wonderful. I keep waking up expecting it to go away and I know that it will and soon I'm sure, but for now, Thank you good feeling!

Frankenstein

At the beginning of May, I attended a performance of 500 Clown's adaptation of Frankenstein. To be honest, I attended it twice. I had been lucky enough to do a workshop with this troupe and several of my friends the previous week and frankly I was smitten. So the least I could do as a devoted fan was go to all of their shows.

I really can't begin to do justice to their performance. They basically used the story of Frankenstein as a framework for their own brand of physical comedy, the set consisting only of a table which could be manipulated for a variety of uses, a door and a couple of bare hanging lights. There were only 3 of them, Adrien, Paul and Molly, and that's all they needed.

At points in the show, Molly would read from the actual text. I am always inspired by the sound of someone reading aloud and this was no different. I needed to re-read Frankenstein and that's all there was to it. I actually had to buy a new copy because I didn't even own it (Thank you Barnes and Noble Classics!)

I had to wait until I finished the book I was already reading, but I finally dove in and within a few pages I was entranced. I didn't remember it like this before. The first time that I read Frankenstein I was only 14 maybe. I don't remember exactly but I was fresh off Stephen King and I didn't think much of it to be honest. I was bored and it wasn't scary enough. I wonder if I even finished it and I didn't read it again until now. So it was a wonderful surprise that I found it so beautiful. Apparently my taste has become more sophisticated over the years.

At it's heart, this is a book about overwhelming passions, a common enough theme of the Romantic era which is what makes it one of my favorites. These people knew how to live and I thank them for allowing me the chance to escape from my tedious pragmatic modern life and live for awhile too.

Summer

My break is off to a great start! Top Girls finally closed on Sunday and while I loved the girls, and as an acting experience it was fulfilling and challenging, it's a huge relief. I am so looking forward to being able to just do things that I want to do when I want to. So on on into the sunset. I have the whole summer off, the longest break I've taken since I started acting again.

Last night was the office start of said break and it was beautiful. I spent the evening at Steamers with Jami and her dad. Her friend Shannon sings with a big band called Big Band 2000 and we were there to hear her. What a voice! Sultry and sweet and sexy. The band was a perfect accompaniment, they were so tight. There must have 15, 20 of them and they held me enthralled all night. Of course, I had my favorite as well. A shy "bone" player named Gary. Hi Gary. He plays with another band normally that I think was called Big Noise, so I might have to check them out as well. Thanks for the introduction after the show, Shannon!

We were joined at our table by a lively older gentleman named George. George Carr Superstar. He was clearly a regular and a favorite of the band and he provided us with a great deal of entertainment. I haven't been flirted with so blatantly since I don't know when.

It was an excellent start. Good wine, food, music and friends. Bring on the break.

Magic Day Part 1

Today has been a magic day so far. I was already looking forward to today because I'm doing this painting class tonight and will write more about that later. Last night, I called in for my jury duty as I have been since Friday and lo and behold I was actually called in today. I have never served before, so I was a bit nervous. By this morning, that nervousness had turned more to excitement. As most people who know me know, I'm obsessed with cop shows. I started with Barney Miller and Baretta, Starsky and Hutch. Later it was Law & Order and CSI, Mystery on PBS, any series on the BBC. I was walking into a real courthouse for the first time since I went on a field trip in the 5th grade. A real criminal, real judge. As I walked into the building, I thought, "I wish I could work here."

I checked in, sat in the jury assembly room for about an hour or so, went through the orientation, blah blah. Finally we went upstairs to the courtroom, and as I walked in, I realized the defendant was standing right there. I hadn't expected him to be in the room for some reason, I thought it would just be the lawyers and the judge and such. He was this scruffy, stocky man, probably in his 30's wearing a mustard yellow jumpsuit that had Orange County Jail printed on the back. He was standing up and watching us all come in and smiling. He sat at a table with his lawyer, who was this tall young guy with a shaved head. Very slick, very young lawyer, and he talked the entire time! The judge gave us instructions and explanations and asked the jurors that were picked questions and this guy kept talking to his lawyer through the whole thing and no one every shushed him or anything! I was really surprised about that. He was creepy and there was definitely something weird about him. He was charged with threatening someone with a metal pipe back in January. It was a misdemeanor charge, but I think he had been in custody all this time. His lawyer got up and began asking questions of the jurors and most of them were about how do you feel about people that might be considered a little off or crazy, so I think there was something really wrong with him. It was fascinating, completely fascinating.

I didn't get on the case, which is fine, although I was kind of hoping that I would. Not that my job would be to keen about that, but fuck em. I was home before 12 and have just been mucking about the rest of the day. And as I walked up the path to my apartment, I realized it was a magic day because it was so completely unplanned and out of the ordinary and rather than being thrown by that, I had managed to not only go along with it but enjoy it.