Rainbow Rob

Today is Tuesday, which means that I got my Free Will Astrology newsletter from Rob Brezny, which is an absolute highlight of my week. I'm nuts about astrology, always have been. I mean I'm a Leo, the most awesomest sign out there so why wouldn't I be. :) Anyhoo, I became acquainted with Rob through a friend who used to email the horoscopes to me as a kick, just for fun (hey love, miss you! I know you're reading this!) Rob's horoscopes were so New Age Hippy Dippy fun, we always had a good laugh and we'd picture him all dressed in Rainbow and reading poetry in the park to the pigeons. Dreamed of going to one of his "appearances" but he's based in Northern California (big surprise) so we never did.

Rainbow Rob has written a book called "Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings". It's available for sale on his website. Now I admit that I have not bought his book, although I've been tempted. He does, however, sometimes include snippets from it in his newsletter along with quotes from other spiritual leaders and writers. When I first started getting the newsletter I just skipped down to my horoscope, I was frequently surprised how right on he was. You see, he doesn't really make predictions for each sign like a normal horoscope, but he does more a spiritual reading for your week. A status check of the stars more like. He is always so quirky in his metaphors. I realized awhile back that I was no longer reading them as a joke, but that what he had to say was resonating with me. So I started reading the articles as well.

I'm completely suspicious of gurus, cult leaders and motivational speakers. I'm not a follower by any means, but you've just got to read his stuff. He's all about balance and upsetting the balance at the same time. This is old school, fuck your perspective, laugh in the face of evil kinda stuff. I picture him as a kind of Pied Piper, an ambivalent mystical creature. He's just putting his stuff out there and you can take it or leave it. Freedom, beauty, truth and love. I feel he's brethern.

So check his site out if you want. He seems a little much at first, but he might grow on you.
http://www.freewillastrology.com/

Today

• Seeing a bunny with a cotton tail on my walk


• Tears for Fears "Mad World"


• Fresca's Killer B Burrito


• Matthieu Kassovitz


• Inspector Lewis


• Dirty Ol' Town (Thank You Darby)


• Jack


• Getting Things Done


• Jabberwocky

Weird

Ok, update on the day. I just checked my myspace and had a message from an old friend, who told me that she ran into my ex-husband with his son. His son. A flood of different feelings is flooding me right now, as if they haven't been for several days already.

Most people know that I was trying to get pregnant when I left Jeff. When I left, I hardened my heart to the idea. I was so grateful that I hadn't bred with that particular person. I completely felt that the universe had been watching out for me. I also knew that that was it. My window had closed and I wasn't meant to be a parent. I systematically began to resolve myself to this and convince myself that I no longer wanted that which I had previously been nearly obsessed with. It has worked pretty damn well. I am too selfish to be a really good parent and I think it's best for any child that I would have that they not be born.

But I find as my barreness becomes more and more of biological fact, it gets harder to keep the deep sadness that I sometimes feel about this at bay. It wells up more and more, especially as my former comrades in population control defect on me one by one. Now this.

Don't get me wrong, he's a bastard and I still thank God every day that I didn't have a child with him. It's the confrontation with a former life that has gone on without me to fulfill my former dreams that's bizarre.

He told me he was going to get a vasectomy. What an ass.

And now...

to counteract the negativity of earlier... a happy list! It's small but what the hey.

Gay teens working at McDonald's who tell me I have pretty eyes and they wish they had them.
Big fuffy skirt


Ok so that's it for now. But I did get this awesome quote today so I will share that too

"What the publice criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you." - Jean Cocteau

Beautiful

Funk

Yes, there is no more denying it I'm in a blue funk. A bad one. I just want to sleep, I can cry at the drop of a pin. I have some valid things to be worried about, but mostly I can't really tell you what's causing it. I just have this sense of sitting still and watching everyone else go on with their lives. I don't want to bore people so I don't talk about it, I mean there's really nothing to talk about except a vague growing unexplained sense of dread. But I have to get it off my chest, so I will tell you about it world. I think of blogging a little bit as writing a letter and burying it under a tree. The fact that I have friends who are actually going to read this is rather intangible to me.

Happies 7/10/08

Book Club with Maile
Target
Cherries
Saying No
Turning Japanese by the Vapors
Cranford
Children's stories
Ewan MacGregor
Crushes

Arghhhh!!

Somebody please just shoot me in the fucking head now! Just lost another processor, 2 days to month end and guess who's going to be working overtime for the next 3 days. Yep me. I'm allowed to cry while I work right?