Weird

Ok, update on the day. I just checked my myspace and had a message from an old friend, who told me that she ran into my ex-husband with his son. His son. A flood of different feelings is flooding me right now, as if they haven't been for several days already.

Most people know that I was trying to get pregnant when I left Jeff. When I left, I hardened my heart to the idea. I was so grateful that I hadn't bred with that particular person. I completely felt that the universe had been watching out for me. I also knew that that was it. My window had closed and I wasn't meant to be a parent. I systematically began to resolve myself to this and convince myself that I no longer wanted that which I had previously been nearly obsessed with. It has worked pretty damn well. I am too selfish to be a really good parent and I think it's best for any child that I would have that they not be born.

But I find as my barreness becomes more and more of biological fact, it gets harder to keep the deep sadness that I sometimes feel about this at bay. It wells up more and more, especially as my former comrades in population control defect on me one by one. Now this.

Don't get me wrong, he's a bastard and I still thank God every day that I didn't have a child with him. It's the confrontation with a former life that has gone on without me to fulfill my former dreams that's bizarre.

He told me he was going to get a vasectomy. What an ass.