- Denholm Elliott
- Rosewood
- Pretty spring skirts & sundresses
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
And so the heat has arrived...
and we are plunged into summer. ;)
What a lovely weekend. I have all my life been an autumn/winter person, but I find as I grow older that I enjoy spring/summer more and more. I believe it is the sensuality of it. The aliveness. And I am so ready to be alive.
Yesterday, I went to the Renaissance Faire with Katie and Emily, a spring ritual of mine. I hope to go again soon in a couple of weeks. It was quite hot, but wonderful. I am a history geek, so I love it because of that, but I also love to dress up, it's one of the few places where I feel attractive, all cinched up and feminine. Plus I love the playacting aspect. There's a bawdy freedom in it all and people get away with things that they would never get away with anywhere else. It's so much fun. But most of all, it appeals fully to my Romantic sensibilities. I buy jewelry and smelly things and nowhere else in the world does it seem possible to fall in love. And fall in love I do, every time.
That wonderful feeling has carried over into today and I hope it will stay all summer. I intend to fall in love as often and with as many people as I can, for it is the best feeling in the world. Euphoria to think on the object of one's affection, as long as one doesn't bother to examine the reality of the situation. I find myself less and less inclined to pay attention to reality, it crushes the soul. The lonliness that I feel when looking at things in the stark light of day is so overwhelming, I must escape. I have often chided myself for this, finding it to be a fault of mine, but no more. If I can find happiness in castles in the air, so be it. One day, I will find one that is real.
Sigh no more ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.
Sing no more ditties, sing no more
Of dumps so dull and heavy,
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leafy.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.
What a lovely weekend. I have all my life been an autumn/winter person, but I find as I grow older that I enjoy spring/summer more and more. I believe it is the sensuality of it. The aliveness. And I am so ready to be alive.
Yesterday, I went to the Renaissance Faire with Katie and Emily, a spring ritual of mine. I hope to go again soon in a couple of weeks. It was quite hot, but wonderful. I am a history geek, so I love it because of that, but I also love to dress up, it's one of the few places where I feel attractive, all cinched up and feminine. Plus I love the playacting aspect. There's a bawdy freedom in it all and people get away with things that they would never get away with anywhere else. It's so much fun. But most of all, it appeals fully to my Romantic sensibilities. I buy jewelry and smelly things and nowhere else in the world does it seem possible to fall in love. And fall in love I do, every time.
That wonderful feeling has carried over into today and I hope it will stay all summer. I intend to fall in love as often and with as many people as I can, for it is the best feeling in the world. Euphoria to think on the object of one's affection, as long as one doesn't bother to examine the reality of the situation. I find myself less and less inclined to pay attention to reality, it crushes the soul. The lonliness that I feel when looking at things in the stark light of day is so overwhelming, I must escape. I have often chided myself for this, finding it to be a fault of mine, but no more. If I can find happiness in castles in the air, so be it. One day, I will find one that is real.
Sigh no more ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.
Sing no more ditties, sing no more
Of dumps so dull and heavy,
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leafy.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny, nonny, nonny.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Good Friday
- Captain and Tenille
- Short work day with no boss!
- And lunch provided
- Pina colada, getting caught in the rain, making love at midnight
- Foreign movies
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Happy Holy Thursday List
- Pete Townshend
- Going to Gogol Bordello with the girls next month to kick off a 4 day holiday weekend
- Dr. Pepper
- Boss is gone for the weekend and we all get to go home early tomorrow
- 4:00 PM
- Cooking dinner tonight
- Gary Sinise
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Workplace crushes
I would like to sing the praises of the workplace crush today. I have several as you may well imagine, and I wonder how I would get through the day without them. It's such a glimmer of sunshine in your dull dull workday. To hear that person's voice across the cubicles, see them round the corner as you walk down the hall, try to catch their eye, say hello. We all need something to look forward to. Something to daydream about.
My number 1 crush at work is a man I affectionately refer to as "The Gnome". Remember guys, I find the unusual attractive. He travels a lot so most days, he's not here. It makes it that much more exciting when I suddenly run into him. Most days he just ignores me. It's cool, it's not one of my major obsessive crushes. Those are not good to have at work, they get out of control quickly.
It's the little things kids. Find the silly little daily things that make your heart beat a little faster, cultivate them and enjoy them!
My number 1 crush at work is a man I affectionately refer to as "The Gnome". Remember guys, I find the unusual attractive. He travels a lot so most days, he's not here. It makes it that much more exciting when I suddenly run into him. Most days he just ignores me. It's cool, it's not one of my major obsessive crushes. Those are not good to have at work, they get out of control quickly.
It's the little things kids. Find the silly little daily things that make your heart beat a little faster, cultivate them and enjoy them!
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Happy List Returns!!!
Soo, it's been awhile, but I'm back! As part of my re-centralizing, I need to get back to my regular writing and lists of positivity! Thanks to the girls this weekend for inspiring me. :)
- Colonel Brandon (could write a whole blog on this alone :)
- Workplace crushes
- Forgetting about everything for a whole night to lay on the couch and watch tv
- Chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches
- Pretty spring time skirts
- Tea with friends
- Egg salad sandwiches
- Tamborines
- Lucy
- Getting hit on (even if it was only in my imagination)
- Facebook comments
- The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
- The smells of springtime
Ok that's enough for now, there may be more later.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Crossroads
Jesus, how is it possible that I haven't written anything for 3 months! Seriously life is whizzing by me way too fast.
Well, once again everything's been turned upside down. Which is not necessarily bad, but you know, everytime I think I have the game figured out it escalates. First and foremost, my life is so much cooler then I ever would have guessed it would be 10 years ago. 10 years. In 2 weeks (April 17) it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Crazy. It really seems just like a couple of years ago since I walked out but it's been over 7 years. Almost 3 times as long as I was even married. How can something that took up such a short time in one's life have such a lasting impact?
But that's an aside really. Welcome to another one of my stream-of-consciousness rambling blogs. Enjoy!
As of Feb 14, I became co-Artistic Director of Hunger Artists. Soon that co- part will go away. Wow. I really don't know how I got here (see previous paragraph, I'm still half living in that suburban previous life). Part of me sits outside of myself, looking on and saying "That's so awesome! What an achievement! Be proud." The voices in my head are sneering and saying "Who the fuck do you think that you are? You can't do this. You're going to fuck up and ruin everything. They're all gonna laugh at you." It sucks that those demon voices are so much louder than anything else. I mean, I know that I have just jumped off the deep end here, totally counting on my bravado to carry me through. I've never had any faith in my creativity before and now I'm responsible for the artistic direction of a theatre company. What?! Um ok. And things are happening! I am going to be in charge of at least one upcoming fairly major project this year, and I've never even directed a show before. I'm a fucking lunatic. At this point I am completely trusting in my passion and love and friends to keep me afloat. Trying not to think about the fact that faith is not something that comes easily to me, but if I don't somehow have faith in myself that I can do this, then the demons will completely take over. And (light bulb) maybe that's really the source of my anxiety. Why does taking this on scare me so much? Is it really that I'm afraid of failing? Am I afraid of everybody hating me? Or am I just afraid that the voices are true? That I don't even have a chance.
Well, so far, it's been such a whirlwind that I haven't even had a chance to really worry about it. So many things to be discussed, so many decisions, so much responsibility, so many meetings. I go from exhilerated to despondent in the time that it takes to receive an email and then back again. And the part that confuses me, is that I seem to be rising to the occasion. I'm not sure I recognize this person. I have opinions when I'm asked about things and reasoning to back up those opinions and what an amazing feeling that those opinions carry weight. They mean something, they make a difference. I've never been in a position before where it wasn't just me butting in with some piece of wisdom, unsolicited. No, this is different. It's my place for once to be the one putting forth ideas, and I'm terrified that they won't be there when I need them, but so far, I've surprised myself. So far, my head is above water.
There's a lot about this new role in life that I really could do without. A lot. I don't have a lot of patience with people and believe me I'm going to have to find some. People drive me crazy and I really have to bite my tongue a lot. But I'm hoping that part will get easier. Less personal somehow. I don't know. Is it even possible to put your whole self into something and not take it personally when people criticize it? I mean, I get it, they're not directing this stuff at me, but you know what? Everything that the theatre does is mine now. Every show, whether I work on it or not. I no longer have the privilege of "it's not my show", you know? It's very parent like.
So yeah. That's been my 2009 so far. Everything's new again. I'm excited but I kinda of wish I could just be acting again. I've never been good with change, every transition for me is a difficult birth. Even though mentally, I'm starting to get there, starting to feel a little better, physically my body is freaking. Physically, I'm suffering from depression. Waking up with horrid anxiety, wanting to sleep most of the time. No ability to do things that I need to do, like clean or take care of anything other than the theatre and I need to start taking care again. I have to find that time. Hence the blog. Maybe if I get off my ass and start writing again, I can feel a little less chaotic. It'll get better. Or not, there goes my phone again.
Lastly I just wanted to say hey to people I haven't seen much of lately. I miss people. I miss being able to relax and to talk and drink and not be fucking stressed out all the time. I'm sorry if I've been short with anyone too.
So that's that. I doubt that any of this even makes sense, I just needed to get it down. As always, thanks for listening.
I
Well, once again everything's been turned upside down. Which is not necessarily bad, but you know, everytime I think I have the game figured out it escalates. First and foremost, my life is so much cooler then I ever would have guessed it would be 10 years ago. 10 years. In 2 weeks (April 17) it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Crazy. It really seems just like a couple of years ago since I walked out but it's been over 7 years. Almost 3 times as long as I was even married. How can something that took up such a short time in one's life have such a lasting impact?
But that's an aside really. Welcome to another one of my stream-of-consciousness rambling blogs. Enjoy!
As of Feb 14, I became co-Artistic Director of Hunger Artists. Soon that co- part will go away. Wow. I really don't know how I got here (see previous paragraph, I'm still half living in that suburban previous life). Part of me sits outside of myself, looking on and saying "That's so awesome! What an achievement! Be proud." The voices in my head are sneering and saying "Who the fuck do you think that you are? You can't do this. You're going to fuck up and ruin everything. They're all gonna laugh at you." It sucks that those demon voices are so much louder than anything else. I mean, I know that I have just jumped off the deep end here, totally counting on my bravado to carry me through. I've never had any faith in my creativity before and now I'm responsible for the artistic direction of a theatre company. What?! Um ok. And things are happening! I am going to be in charge of at least one upcoming fairly major project this year, and I've never even directed a show before. I'm a fucking lunatic. At this point I am completely trusting in my passion and love and friends to keep me afloat. Trying not to think about the fact that faith is not something that comes easily to me, but if I don't somehow have faith in myself that I can do this, then the demons will completely take over. And (light bulb) maybe that's really the source of my anxiety. Why does taking this on scare me so much? Is it really that I'm afraid of failing? Am I afraid of everybody hating me? Or am I just afraid that the voices are true? That I don't even have a chance.
Well, so far, it's been such a whirlwind that I haven't even had a chance to really worry about it. So many things to be discussed, so many decisions, so much responsibility, so many meetings. I go from exhilerated to despondent in the time that it takes to receive an email and then back again. And the part that confuses me, is that I seem to be rising to the occasion. I'm not sure I recognize this person. I have opinions when I'm asked about things and reasoning to back up those opinions and what an amazing feeling that those opinions carry weight. They mean something, they make a difference. I've never been in a position before where it wasn't just me butting in with some piece of wisdom, unsolicited. No, this is different. It's my place for once to be the one putting forth ideas, and I'm terrified that they won't be there when I need them, but so far, I've surprised myself. So far, my head is above water.
There's a lot about this new role in life that I really could do without. A lot. I don't have a lot of patience with people and believe me I'm going to have to find some. People drive me crazy and I really have to bite my tongue a lot. But I'm hoping that part will get easier. Less personal somehow. I don't know. Is it even possible to put your whole self into something and not take it personally when people criticize it? I mean, I get it, they're not directing this stuff at me, but you know what? Everything that the theatre does is mine now. Every show, whether I work on it or not. I no longer have the privilege of "it's not my show", you know? It's very parent like.
So yeah. That's been my 2009 so far. Everything's new again. I'm excited but I kinda of wish I could just be acting again. I've never been good with change, every transition for me is a difficult birth. Even though mentally, I'm starting to get there, starting to feel a little better, physically my body is freaking. Physically, I'm suffering from depression. Waking up with horrid anxiety, wanting to sleep most of the time. No ability to do things that I need to do, like clean or take care of anything other than the theatre and I need to start taking care again. I have to find that time. Hence the blog. Maybe if I get off my ass and start writing again, I can feel a little less chaotic. It'll get better. Or not, there goes my phone again.
Lastly I just wanted to say hey to people I haven't seen much of lately. I miss people. I miss being able to relax and to talk and drink and not be fucking stressed out all the time. I'm sorry if I've been short with anyone too.
So that's that. I doubt that any of this even makes sense, I just needed to get it down. As always, thanks for listening.
I
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