Crossroads

Jesus, how is it possible that I haven't written anything for 3 months! Seriously life is whizzing by me way too fast.

Well, once again everything's been turned upside down. Which is not necessarily bad, but you know, everytime I think I have the game figured out it escalates. First and foremost, my life is so much cooler then I ever would have guessed it would be 10 years ago. 10 years. In 2 weeks (April 17) it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Crazy. It really seems just like a couple of years ago since I walked out but it's been over 7 years. Almost 3 times as long as I was even married. How can something that took up such a short time in one's life have such a lasting impact?

But that's an aside really. Welcome to another one of my stream-of-consciousness rambling blogs. Enjoy!

As of Feb 14, I became co-Artistic Director of Hunger Artists. Soon that co- part will go away. Wow. I really don't know how I got here (see previous paragraph, I'm still half living in that suburban previous life). Part of me sits outside of myself, looking on and saying "That's so awesome! What an achievement! Be proud." The voices in my head are sneering and saying "Who the fuck do you think that you are? You can't do this. You're going to fuck up and ruin everything. They're all gonna laugh at you." It sucks that those demon voices are so much louder than anything else. I mean, I know that I have just jumped off the deep end here, totally counting on my bravado to carry me through. I've never had any faith in my creativity before and now I'm responsible for the artistic direction of a theatre company. What?! Um ok. And things are happening! I am going to be in charge of at least one upcoming fairly major project this year, and I've never even directed a show before. I'm a fucking lunatic. At this point I am completely trusting in my passion and love and friends to keep me afloat. Trying not to think about the fact that faith is not something that comes easily to me, but if I don't somehow have faith in myself that I can do this, then the demons will completely take over. And (light bulb) maybe that's really the source of my anxiety. Why does taking this on scare me so much? Is it really that I'm afraid of failing? Am I afraid of everybody hating me? Or am I just afraid that the voices are true? That I don't even have a chance.

Well, so far, it's been such a whirlwind that I haven't even had a chance to really worry about it. So many things to be discussed, so many decisions, so much responsibility, so many meetings. I go from exhilerated to despondent in the time that it takes to receive an email and then back again. And the part that confuses me, is that I seem to be rising to the occasion. I'm not sure I recognize this person. I have opinions when I'm asked about things and reasoning to back up those opinions and what an amazing feeling that those opinions carry weight. They mean something, they make a difference. I've never been in a position before where it wasn't just me butting in with some piece of wisdom, unsolicited. No, this is different. It's my place for once to be the one putting forth ideas, and I'm terrified that they won't be there when I need them, but so far, I've surprised myself. So far, my head is above water.

There's a lot about this new role in life that I really could do without. A lot. I don't have a lot of patience with people and believe me I'm going to have to find some. People drive me crazy and I really have to bite my tongue a lot. But I'm hoping that part will get easier. Less personal somehow. I don't know. Is it even possible to put your whole self into something and not take it personally when people criticize it? I mean, I get it, they're not directing this stuff at me, but you know what? Everything that the theatre does is mine now. Every show, whether I work on it or not. I no longer have the privilege of "it's not my show", you know? It's very parent like.

So yeah. That's been my 2009 so far. Everything's new again. I'm excited but I kinda of wish I could just be acting again. I've never been good with change, every transition for me is a difficult birth. Even though mentally, I'm starting to get there, starting to feel a little better, physically my body is freaking. Physically, I'm suffering from depression. Waking up with horrid anxiety, wanting to sleep most of the time. No ability to do things that I need to do, like clean or take care of anything other than the theatre and I need to start taking care again. I have to find that time. Hence the blog. Maybe if I get off my ass and start writing again, I can feel a little less chaotic. It'll get better. Or not, there goes my phone again.

Lastly I just wanted to say hey to people I haven't seen much of lately. I miss people. I miss being able to relax and to talk and drink and not be fucking stressed out all the time. I'm sorry if I've been short with anyone too.

So that's that. I doubt that any of this even makes sense, I just needed to get it down. As always, thanks for listening.



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