- Candy Cane Shot Glass
- Chili's
- Snow
- Dr. Pepper
- Kind friends who take care of you when you don't feel good
- Secret Santa
Friday, December 19, 2008
Happy 12/19/08
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
12/2/08 Happy List
- My coworker just told me I looked skinnier!
- Clouds
- Tomato soup and oyster crackers
- Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Thursday, October 30, 2008
On the pallid bust of Pallas....
Halloween is tomorrow! It hardly feels like it, but it is. And I still don't know what my costume is going to be. I'm just horribly disappointed this year. Outside of the Discount Halloween stores selling overpriced slutty costumes, you really wouldn't even know it. I've seen next to no decorations, there's been no major horror movie marathons on tv, nothing! Travel Channel did take me to some fab haunted houses around the country and finally TCM is having a 48 hour marathon of cheesy old horror movies which I'm currently watching, but shouldn't they have had a month long festival?? This is fucking Halloween! The holiest day of the year! I want to be immersed in it, and all it represents. Christmas can goddam wait a couple more weeks.
I have been a morbid creature my whole life, obsessed with anything dark. Some of us haven't forgotten what Halloween truly represents. I mean I love a good party as much as the next person don't get me wrong, but for me the party still has it's spiritual side. It's a reminder that that the lean times of winter loom, a reminder that evil is out there, but if we disguise ourselves in it's own robes and laugh at it, we can turn the tables and scare it off. A time to visit with our ancestors and friends that have moved on as the veil grows paper thin in the witching hour. A time to look our mortality in the face and mock it. Eat drink and be merry, my friends, for tomorrow we may die. A time to revel in our aliveness by scaring ourselves half to death.
So let's put on some face paint and do the danse macabre tomorrow night. The dead do travel fast and if you listen closely you can hear them wailing on the wind. Until then, I will be watching some B class horror...
I have been a morbid creature my whole life, obsessed with anything dark. Some of us haven't forgotten what Halloween truly represents. I mean I love a good party as much as the next person don't get me wrong, but for me the party still has it's spiritual side. It's a reminder that that the lean times of winter loom, a reminder that evil is out there, but if we disguise ourselves in it's own robes and laugh at it, we can turn the tables and scare it off. A time to visit with our ancestors and friends that have moved on as the veil grows paper thin in the witching hour. A time to look our mortality in the face and mock it. Eat drink and be merry, my friends, for tomorrow we may die. A time to revel in our aliveness by scaring ourselves half to death.
So let's put on some face paint and do the danse macabre tomorrow night. The dead do travel fast and if you listen closely you can hear them wailing on the wind. Until then, I will be watching some B class horror...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I did it
Ok I did it. I called and I got voicemail (whew!) and I left a rambling message about how sorry I was for her loss and that I was ok and I gave her my email and told her that was the best way to contact me. I said I was sorry I hadn't called sooner. That was it. Probably not enough, but at least I did it. I wish I knew why this was so hard for me. I'm afraid that there is something really wrong with me and I'm a horrible person incapable of truly caring about other people. It makes me sad.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Ghosts
It was a quiet weekend, but I received a disturbing phone call. I had a previous life. A rather unhappy, stagnant, sad previous life that I walked away from several years ago. I left behind people who just didn't fit anymore. Maybe it hurt them, but that wasn't my intent. Well, one of these people called me on Saturday night.
She's the mother of a guy that I dated for like a year in high school. She filled a huge gap left by my own incompetent mother and I was a daughter that she could take shopping and go to lunch with and try to mentor. She was an important influence on me when I was a kid, but our relationship had begun to sour for me well before I pulled my disappearing act. She calls now like once a year or something, always dramatic about how sad she is that I don't call her. The guilt is so palpable already in her messages that I really have no desire to return the call and I haven't the last few times that she's called. I already have one mother who's heart I've broken, do I really need two?
So Saturday night, I'm out with some friends having a lovely time, getting ready to see a show and I have a voicemail from a Restricted number. This fills me with terror. I have a phone phobia, I really do. This developed from many years of avoiding my mother's calls and then for awhile the ex's. The phone usually equals someone yelling at me and telling me what a piece of shit I am. Also, the phone means small talk. I'm horrible at small talk. I have to figure out what I'm going to say, be witty and engaging, get the timing down right. It's a lot of pressure! Some of this is mitigated by caller ID, I mean I know if it's one of my friends calling it's probably ok
but my friends text me or email. An actual conversation is something that takes place when we're together.
So I check the voicemail. It's her. She's been trying and trying and trying to get ahold of me (does one call a year really constitute trying and trying and trying?) she thinks about me all the time and wants me to just leave her a message letting her know that I'm ok even if I don't want to talk to her (seriously?) Greg's dead and her brother's dead and she just wants to hear from me. Ugh, my stomach is churning, the anxiety is rising. What do I do? Well, the obvious answer is that I call her back, I mean what's the big deal, I should be happy that she cares enough to still be trying to maintain contact with me, right? I'm an asshole, right? But the feeling is more like walking through a dark swamp while slimy hands pay at your feet, trying to find purchase of your pant leg and pull you down into the deep dark depths. WTF is wrong with me?
I haven't called yet. I should just bite the bullet and do it, get it over with, it'll be my good deed. (I totally just typed dead instead of deed, Freudian?) What is this thing that I have about the phone? I can't even call people when I know they're going to be friendly. Seriously. Ok, so anyway that's weighing on my mind.
The rest of the weekend was lovely. I stayed in Friday night, did nothing. Watched TV and read. I worked out on my Wii Fit a whole 30 minutes. Saturday, got the car washed, did some dishes, put the laundry away. I went to the Anaheim Halloween parade, which was cheesetastic! There was an elephant and Shriner's in mini cars. Then we saw Bug which was ok and then closed down Big's. Area 51 was playing, which is actually a good hair/metal cover band. Yesterday, hung out, watched Lars and the Real Girl which was good, kinda sad. Finally got around to sending out the newsletter. I made chicken enchilada soup and de-seeded a pomegranate. Read. It's nice to read. :)
I want it to be winter and then I don't. I can already feel the depression creeping in, little fingers and toes of it. I'm ok but I'm sick of the dry hot sunshine heat. I want moisture and sweaters and cold and cuddly time. I need some cuddly time. :)
She's the mother of a guy that I dated for like a year in high school. She filled a huge gap left by my own incompetent mother and I was a daughter that she could take shopping and go to lunch with and try to mentor. She was an important influence on me when I was a kid, but our relationship had begun to sour for me well before I pulled my disappearing act. She calls now like once a year or something, always dramatic about how sad she is that I don't call her. The guilt is so palpable already in her messages that I really have no desire to return the call and I haven't the last few times that she's called. I already have one mother who's heart I've broken, do I really need two?
So Saturday night, I'm out with some friends having a lovely time, getting ready to see a show and I have a voicemail from a Restricted number. This fills me with terror. I have a phone phobia, I really do. This developed from many years of avoiding my mother's calls and then for awhile the ex's. The phone usually equals someone yelling at me and telling me what a piece of shit I am. Also, the phone means small talk. I'm horrible at small talk. I have to figure out what I'm going to say, be witty and engaging, get the timing down right. It's a lot of pressure! Some of this is mitigated by caller ID, I mean I know if it's one of my friends calling it's probably ok
but my friends text me or email. An actual conversation is something that takes place when we're together.
So I check the voicemail. It's her. She's been trying and trying and trying to get ahold of me (does one call a year really constitute trying and trying and trying?) she thinks about me all the time and wants me to just leave her a message letting her know that I'm ok even if I don't want to talk to her (seriously?) Greg's dead and her brother's dead and she just wants to hear from me. Ugh, my stomach is churning, the anxiety is rising. What do I do? Well, the obvious answer is that I call her back, I mean what's the big deal, I should be happy that she cares enough to still be trying to maintain contact with me, right? I'm an asshole, right? But the feeling is more like walking through a dark swamp while slimy hands pay at your feet, trying to find purchase of your pant leg and pull you down into the deep dark depths. WTF is wrong with me?
I haven't called yet. I should just bite the bullet and do it, get it over with, it'll be my good deed. (I totally just typed dead instead of deed, Freudian?) What is this thing that I have about the phone? I can't even call people when I know they're going to be friendly. Seriously. Ok, so anyway that's weighing on my mind.
The rest of the weekend was lovely. I stayed in Friday night, did nothing. Watched TV and read. I worked out on my Wii Fit a whole 30 minutes. Saturday, got the car washed, did some dishes, put the laundry away. I went to the Anaheim Halloween parade, which was cheesetastic! There was an elephant and Shriner's in mini cars. Then we saw Bug which was ok and then closed down Big's. Area 51 was playing, which is actually a good hair/metal cover band. Yesterday, hung out, watched Lars and the Real Girl which was good, kinda sad. Finally got around to sending out the newsletter. I made chicken enchilada soup and de-seeded a pomegranate. Read. It's nice to read. :)
I want it to be winter and then I don't. I can already feel the depression creeping in, little fingers and toes of it. I'm ok but I'm sick of the dry hot sunshine heat. I want moisture and sweaters and cold and cuddly time. I need some cuddly time. :)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tired....
I have a cold. Well I think I do, it might be that my allergies have finally won the battle against Claritin. Either way, I just want to sleep.
So I've come back to theatre this week. Acting and directing for Beyond Convention, which I'm loving so far. Directing is so much fun, at least on this small scale. I love that all the silly ridiculous ideas that come into my head can actually be done! And I just have to say, try this! It's a rush. Love being able to sit back and get to see my work. Acting is still my first love though and I hope that I can memorize lines again. Isn't that funny, how the most mundane part of it is usually my biggest worry. Do I still have the capacity to remember what to say and when? God I hope so. On top of that we're also beginning rehearsals for Flying Spaghetti Monster: The Holy Mug of Grog. Yes, that's right boys and girls, Bonnie rides again! Sadly, my Shamus will not be the same person. I'm sad, but I'll make do. I love Bonnie though, she hasn't been heard from since the Much Ado cast party and I miss her. :)
Update on the fella I went out with last month. We've been emailing off and on, he's been really busy so we haven't hung out again, but I think he'll come see my shows. I keep going back and forth on this. I like him, and he won major bonus points the other day for recognizing what my email address is from. I just have a hard time, letting things just be what they are and I wish I had more insight into what he thought about me. Yes, hello, Leo actor, what about me? Does he like me as a friend, does he see a potential for it being something else, am I just a freak? Yes, I need to take a Valium I know, because then I start freaking out a little over absolutely nothing. Probably the answer is that I'm just a freak. Still the attention is delightful, and I admit that when I do get a text or an email out of the blue, I get a little giddy. There was a picture of us together from the wedding and it was really cute and I started to get warm fuzzies and I just don't really know what that's about, it's entirely too soon for that. Ok, I need to stop, starting to get panicky.
Yes, this is a catch up blog and I'm bored at work with no one to talk to, so suck it. I'm just going to keep writing random thoughts until I'm done. :) I'm sick of the weather. Fuck, it's so hot! It's almost Halloween and it's not even remotely fall like. I just want to bundle up on the couch and drink hot chocolate and apple cider and make pumpkin bread. I want it to be dark and cold and spooky and fit with my lonely moods.
This morning I flipped off an old man out on the corner with his Vote Yes on 8 sign. Supposedly a Yes vote = religious freedom. Wow, I was never aware that one of my main constitional rights was somehow in jeopardy because two of my dear friends who love each other would like to make it official and have the same rights that I do should I decide to shackle myself to another human being. Again. These people are seriously pissing me off. I doubt that he even saw me but it made me feel better in some really juvenile way. 7:30 in the morning and I have to deal with your political bullshit. I needed a hashbrown.
It's National AP Appreciation Week! I bet you didn't know that. We've been doing lots of fun activities this week, like breakfast at Denny's and yesterday we got a 15 min massage which was very nice and I still have the bruises as a souvenir. Tomorrow, we'll be watching Office Space, and I'm the only one that sees the irony in that. Seriously. Today we're going to grow some plants and on Friday department field trip to Color Me Mine! Is it fun? Sure, unfortunately I have a keen eye for the absurd and there's something so ridiculous about all this. But they're feeding me so I guess I won't complain.
Speaking of work, yes I got a promotion and a raise, yay me. Normally I would be celebrating, but the truth is that I feel guilty about it. I feel bad that I'm ok (knock wood) while everyone around me is either already unemployed or may be soon. I even feel a little bad about being the only one in my department that is happy with this restructure that we did that gave me the promotion. Just generally feel guilty.
Ooo Wii Fit! Ok, so I've had it for a week and a half now and I've been pretty good about working out. And it really is a work out, I'm totally sweating after 20 minutes. I didn't do it last night as I was feeling puny, and of course I haven't really lost any inches yet, but I do feel the difference, just stronger, well until I got the cold at least. I love my Wii!
Ok, I guess that's it, I've wasted enough time. Sigh.
So I've come back to theatre this week. Acting and directing for Beyond Convention, which I'm loving so far. Directing is so much fun, at least on this small scale. I love that all the silly ridiculous ideas that come into my head can actually be done! And I just have to say, try this! It's a rush. Love being able to sit back and get to see my work. Acting is still my first love though and I hope that I can memorize lines again. Isn't that funny, how the most mundane part of it is usually my biggest worry. Do I still have the capacity to remember what to say and when? God I hope so. On top of that we're also beginning rehearsals for Flying Spaghetti Monster: The Holy Mug of Grog. Yes, that's right boys and girls, Bonnie rides again! Sadly, my Shamus will not be the same person. I'm sad, but I'll make do. I love Bonnie though, she hasn't been heard from since the Much Ado cast party and I miss her. :)
Update on the fella I went out with last month. We've been emailing off and on, he's been really busy so we haven't hung out again, but I think he'll come see my shows. I keep going back and forth on this. I like him, and he won major bonus points the other day for recognizing what my email address is from. I just have a hard time, letting things just be what they are and I wish I had more insight into what he thought about me. Yes, hello, Leo actor, what about me? Does he like me as a friend, does he see a potential for it being something else, am I just a freak? Yes, I need to take a Valium I know, because then I start freaking out a little over absolutely nothing. Probably the answer is that I'm just a freak. Still the attention is delightful, and I admit that when I do get a text or an email out of the blue, I get a little giddy. There was a picture of us together from the wedding and it was really cute and I started to get warm fuzzies and I just don't really know what that's about, it's entirely too soon for that. Ok, I need to stop, starting to get panicky.
Yes, this is a catch up blog and I'm bored at work with no one to talk to, so suck it. I'm just going to keep writing random thoughts until I'm done. :) I'm sick of the weather. Fuck, it's so hot! It's almost Halloween and it's not even remotely fall like. I just want to bundle up on the couch and drink hot chocolate and apple cider and make pumpkin bread. I want it to be dark and cold and spooky and fit with my lonely moods.
This morning I flipped off an old man out on the corner with his Vote Yes on 8 sign. Supposedly a Yes vote = religious freedom. Wow, I was never aware that one of my main constitional rights was somehow in jeopardy because two of my dear friends who love each other would like to make it official and have the same rights that I do should I decide to shackle myself to another human being. Again. These people are seriously pissing me off. I doubt that he even saw me but it made me feel better in some really juvenile way. 7:30 in the morning and I have to deal with your political bullshit. I needed a hashbrown.
It's National AP Appreciation Week! I bet you didn't know that. We've been doing lots of fun activities this week, like breakfast at Denny's and yesterday we got a 15 min massage which was very nice and I still have the bruises as a souvenir. Tomorrow, we'll be watching Office Space, and I'm the only one that sees the irony in that. Seriously. Today we're going to grow some plants and on Friday department field trip to Color Me Mine! Is it fun? Sure, unfortunately I have a keen eye for the absurd and there's something so ridiculous about all this. But they're feeding me so I guess I won't complain.
Speaking of work, yes I got a promotion and a raise, yay me. Normally I would be celebrating, but the truth is that I feel guilty about it. I feel bad that I'm ok (knock wood) while everyone around me is either already unemployed or may be soon. I even feel a little bad about being the only one in my department that is happy with this restructure that we did that gave me the promotion. Just generally feel guilty.
Ooo Wii Fit! Ok, so I've had it for a week and a half now and I've been pretty good about working out. And it really is a work out, I'm totally sweating after 20 minutes. I didn't do it last night as I was feeling puny, and of course I haven't really lost any inches yet, but I do feel the difference, just stronger, well until I got the cold at least. I love my Wii!
Ok, I guess that's it, I've wasted enough time. Sigh.
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