I guess? No it is. At least I hope so. It's been an interesting month. So I've been promoted at work, I'm a supervisor now and have an office which rocks! Scary part this week though, I have to write up the evaluations for the whole department and I don't wanna. Sucks. But I will get through it. I've officially stepped down as AD at HA. Still doing a lot of work there but no more meetings so that's a lot less pressure. I really don't know what's going to happen with the theatre but it will be what it will be. It's time for me to move on. I have very mixed feelings about that but I know I'm making the right move.
Faustus is nearly upon me, I can't believe the auditions are only 3 weeks away! Ugh! So not ready to direct another show. It's summer! I want to go out and play! It's been really nice to be getting out again and hanging with my friends. Oh well, one day at a time right? The point is with everything going on, I've been feeling better, no time for loneliness which is perfect.
However, I have had no time to get to the gym, and I've been eating like hell. Not sure I'm going to keep the membership, I kinda hate it. But I have to find some way to lose the weight. So tired of feeling like a disgusting slob. So for the time being I will focus on the food. Must discipline myself. No more chips & sweets!
Whatevs.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Exercise
Let's talk about exercise for a minute. Going to the gym. The giant wheel that has become necessary to our existence since we essentially caged ourselves in the post industrial revolution "service economy". I think you begin to gather my attitude towards it. And mostly because I have ruined the body I was given with my hedonistic ways and now find myself trying to turn back the clock by...going to the gym. Fuck getting old.
I'm just tired of feeling like I can't do it. I feel this way about everything anymore and I don't know how to stop the constant pity party I'm living in. I know that I have worn out my welcome with almost all my friends, and who can blame them? I can't stand being around myself anymore. I don't know where my sense of humor went, my sense of adventure, my interest in anything. I have become... the Most Un-Interesting Woman in the World. I should start a web series about how pathetic I've become. It's ridiculous. I'm practically invisible.
Goddamn depression, fuck your evil ass. I am so sick of you!!!
Oh and by the way, exercise isn't helping. I'm just sore. Really really sore, which is just making me feel older so fuck that too. Not in the I'm going to give up way, because I know I have to keep at it if I ever eventually want to feel better, but in the fuck I hate reality and the bullshit routines that it forces us to go through to survive kinda way.
So yeah. I'm tired of keeping on the mask of trying to be a pleasant person in the hopes that people will like me better. I'm tired of not saying what I feel. I hate that people think that I'm scary and intimidating and unapproachable, but I guess that's what I am because trying to not be those things is just turning me into a really fucking boring and unhappy person. And it hasn't changed anyone's opinion of me one jot. So I guess I'm just an angry person. There's a lot to be angry about. And if that's all you can see, then fuck you, you deserve to be intimidated by me. Because the truth is, I'm a very loving person. Smart and funny with a gigantic lust for life. The problem is I need to feel like someone gives a damn or all of that goes away. And right now, I don't feel the love. We are not meant to live alone.
Now that I have vomited all of that onto your computer screen, let me tell you something that happened yesterday. A shining little moment of connection that I will hold onto in my time of need. I was at my friend's birthday party, and there was a little boy there, 4 yrs old, who I had never met and in my detached way was not interacting with much because you know, I'm a stranger and he's a 4 yr old. So we're all sitting there and he's taken over the house like kids do, but in a very polite way and he turns to me and he just asks very innocently "Are you a kid?" And I said yes. Because in that split second, I remembered my true self that I haven't talked to in a while, and all the truths that I hold dear were there. Because this kid (and I've had this happen before with kids and it thrills me every time) saw a kinship and singled me out as the other kid in the room. And to me that's the best thing in the world, because that's all I really want to be. When I was in my 20's, I promised myself that I would never be a gr'up, fuck that. And somehow recently I've started feeling guilty about that, like what a ridiculous way to live, look how much shit that philosophy has gotten me in, and I blame therapy for that. I'm not saying 10 years of talking to a shrink didn't help in some ways, but the whole goal is a certain kind of conformity. The whole idea of getting mentally "healthy" starts with the assumption that there is such a thing and you have to change who you are to get there. But now, as I have cycled through every emotion in this blog (sorry if anyone is actually reading this), I am left with this moment with this kid, seeing my beautiful Peter Pan inside. And you know what?
I will never be a gr'up. Fuck that.
I'm just tired of feeling like I can't do it. I feel this way about everything anymore and I don't know how to stop the constant pity party I'm living in. I know that I have worn out my welcome with almost all my friends, and who can blame them? I can't stand being around myself anymore. I don't know where my sense of humor went, my sense of adventure, my interest in anything. I have become... the Most Un-Interesting Woman in the World. I should start a web series about how pathetic I've become. It's ridiculous. I'm practically invisible.
Goddamn depression, fuck your evil ass. I am so sick of you!!!
Oh and by the way, exercise isn't helping. I'm just sore. Really really sore, which is just making me feel older so fuck that too. Not in the I'm going to give up way, because I know I have to keep at it if I ever eventually want to feel better, but in the fuck I hate reality and the bullshit routines that it forces us to go through to survive kinda way.
So yeah. I'm tired of keeping on the mask of trying to be a pleasant person in the hopes that people will like me better. I'm tired of not saying what I feel. I hate that people think that I'm scary and intimidating and unapproachable, but I guess that's what I am because trying to not be those things is just turning me into a really fucking boring and unhappy person. And it hasn't changed anyone's opinion of me one jot. So I guess I'm just an angry person. There's a lot to be angry about. And if that's all you can see, then fuck you, you deserve to be intimidated by me. Because the truth is, I'm a very loving person. Smart and funny with a gigantic lust for life. The problem is I need to feel like someone gives a damn or all of that goes away. And right now, I don't feel the love. We are not meant to live alone.
Now that I have vomited all of that onto your computer screen, let me tell you something that happened yesterday. A shining little moment of connection that I will hold onto in my time of need. I was at my friend's birthday party, and there was a little boy there, 4 yrs old, who I had never met and in my detached way was not interacting with much because you know, I'm a stranger and he's a 4 yr old. So we're all sitting there and he's taken over the house like kids do, but in a very polite way and he turns to me and he just asks very innocently "Are you a kid?" And I said yes. Because in that split second, I remembered my true self that I haven't talked to in a while, and all the truths that I hold dear were there. Because this kid (and I've had this happen before with kids and it thrills me every time) saw a kinship and singled me out as the other kid in the room. And to me that's the best thing in the world, because that's all I really want to be. When I was in my 20's, I promised myself that I would never be a gr'up, fuck that. And somehow recently I've started feeling guilty about that, like what a ridiculous way to live, look how much shit that philosophy has gotten me in, and I blame therapy for that. I'm not saying 10 years of talking to a shrink didn't help in some ways, but the whole goal is a certain kind of conformity. The whole idea of getting mentally "healthy" starts with the assumption that there is such a thing and you have to change who you are to get there. But now, as I have cycled through every emotion in this blog (sorry if anyone is actually reading this), I am left with this moment with this kid, seeing my beautiful Peter Pan inside. And you know what?
I will never be a gr'up. Fuck that.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
5/5/11
Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Happy List
Green Day
The Smiths
My apartment (my bubble of safety from a sometimes unfriendly world)
Getting stuff done-work is hard but it's like a good workout right now. Exhausting but satisfying
Chocolate chip cookies & tea
Spring Sunsets and fresh warm breezes
I am tired and apparently I've been so tense today, my left arm has the shakes, but it's all good, it's just physical. Had a salad for dinner and some garlic bread, but no worries, I plan on having some junk food later (mmm spicy nacho Doritos...). Watching a film history series, episode about the beginnings of the movie industry, fascinating, I love history, then some reading and bed. One more day...
Namaste
Happy List
Green Day
The Smiths
My apartment (my bubble of safety from a sometimes unfriendly world)
Getting stuff done-work is hard but it's like a good workout right now. Exhausting but satisfying
Chocolate chip cookies & tea
Spring Sunsets and fresh warm breezes
I am tired and apparently I've been so tense today, my left arm has the shakes, but it's all good, it's just physical. Had a salad for dinner and some garlic bread, but no worries, I plan on having some junk food later (mmm spicy nacho Doritos...). Watching a film history series, episode about the beginnings of the movie industry, fascinating, I love history, then some reading and bed. One more day...
Namaste
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Hello again. I never know how to start these things. Haven't written in a while, but life continues to be chaotic and boring all at once.
So the thing we've dreamed of at the office has finally happened. John Denver was let go last Monday. Yep. Just fired at the end of the day. While the office breathed a collective sigh of relief, I can't help but worry about what's next. Right now, it's get by. I'm working with the interim supervisors, and filling in on a bunch of stuff. Now Carrie's out for the next 2 weeks and we'll be upgrading our computer system. So good times as usual there. It does feel better though to be honest. I'm engaged if nothing else, and who knows, it could mean a promotion. A little more money would help for sure.
Otherwise, I'm still trying to figure things out. I basically spent the whole weekend reading "Eat, Pray, Love". It's good, gave me some things to think about. Me and the universe need to start having some conversations and I need to get serious about taking care of myself, and not just physically. The times, they are a'changin...
This week, I will be a lot less social than I usually am. There's a yoga class and a mind-body fusion class at the gym that I'm going to take, I'm looking forward to that. Bought myself a yoga mat and everything. Also bought a couple of books today, The Italian by Ann Radcliffe, genuine 18th century Gothic novel, and The Odyssey. Yes I know, I've never actually read it. And as mythology has always been an important part of my spiritual journey, I've decided it's time. I intend to spend a lot more time reading than I have of late. I miss it.
It's time to start getting serious about being happy. I can't listen to the bad voices anymore. It's killing me.
And in honor of such... today's happy list:
The Twilight Zone
Easy A
Cooking
Reading
Dreaming
Till next time!
So the thing we've dreamed of at the office has finally happened. John Denver was let go last Monday. Yep. Just fired at the end of the day. While the office breathed a collective sigh of relief, I can't help but worry about what's next. Right now, it's get by. I'm working with the interim supervisors, and filling in on a bunch of stuff. Now Carrie's out for the next 2 weeks and we'll be upgrading our computer system. So good times as usual there. It does feel better though to be honest. I'm engaged if nothing else, and who knows, it could mean a promotion. A little more money would help for sure.
Otherwise, I'm still trying to figure things out. I basically spent the whole weekend reading "Eat, Pray, Love". It's good, gave me some things to think about. Me and the universe need to start having some conversations and I need to get serious about taking care of myself, and not just physically. The times, they are a'changin...
This week, I will be a lot less social than I usually am. There's a yoga class and a mind-body fusion class at the gym that I'm going to take, I'm looking forward to that. Bought myself a yoga mat and everything. Also bought a couple of books today, The Italian by Ann Radcliffe, genuine 18th century Gothic novel, and The Odyssey. Yes I know, I've never actually read it. And as mythology has always been an important part of my spiritual journey, I've decided it's time. I intend to spend a lot more time reading than I have of late. I miss it.
It's time to start getting serious about being happy. I can't listen to the bad voices anymore. It's killing me.
And in honor of such... today's happy list:
The Twilight Zone
Easy A
Cooking
Reading
Dreaming
Till next time!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Latest photos
Ok now that I've whined about my boring life some more, here's some of the latest shots I've taken! These are from Disneyland and one shot of my first set design!
It's cloudy again, and I'm really ready for warm sparkling Spring to be here. Feeling very cooped up and I need some adventure.
The show has opened! I survived! Barely. Still have to work in the new actor and go through that transition, but at least I have some down time now. So now what to do with that down time? Today I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok to just lay low and relax, but there's so much to be done. I know that my body needs the rest. I joined the gym and I so desperately want to lose the weight that I feel like I shouldn't ever be resting although I know that's not valid. So here I am.
More change is coming, I set the wheel in motion for a major life change yesterday, I'll discuss more when it's been made public knowledge, but will be a huge relief. I've got to keep pushing forward, kids.
Spring, I need you!!
The show has opened! I survived! Barely. Still have to work in the new actor and go through that transition, but at least I have some down time now. So now what to do with that down time? Today I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok to just lay low and relax, but there's so much to be done. I know that my body needs the rest. I joined the gym and I so desperately want to lose the weight that I feel like I shouldn't ever be resting although I know that's not valid. So here I am.
More change is coming, I set the wheel in motion for a major life change yesterday, I'll discuss more when it's been made public knowledge, but will be a huge relief. I've got to keep pushing forward, kids.
Spring, I need you!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Life returns...
Even in the darkest of days, and I'm not fool enough to think that these are even close to being the darkest, there is a glimmer of light, a respite, and today was such a day. I have been reminded that I am not yet dead and that spring is very near and there are still new experiences to be had.
In spite of all the non-stop drama, I took the day off from the theatre today and went with Jami to the Irish Fair in Pomona. It's a small festival, not very exciting, but we met up with Bob who introduced us to Ken O'Malley and the Twilight Lords, an extremely talented Irish band. The lead man is obviously Ken O'Malley, and as we sat down and I listened to him sing, I was transfixed. An Irishman, from Dublin, and I had goosebumps as he sang Irish rebellion song and love songs and songs of longing for the homeland. Irish music reaches my heart like hardly anything else can and he nearly brought me to tears in the middle of the LA Fairgrounds. All my worries forgotten as I fell in love. A feeling I haven't had in months, and was beginning to fear I never would again. An older gentleman, but what matters that? How I long to be with a musician again. To share a life and listen to them play and sing to me alone. Silly I know, but it is a pretty picture. In a fit of foolishness, I confess I found him on Facebook and sent him a message just saying that I enjoyed the show. It would be lovely to get a response, but I certainly mustn't expect one. But wouldn't anyone like to get a random complementing email out of the blue? Just enjoy the lovely day and be better tomorrow, that's what matters.
Just good to know I'm still capable of feeling irrational hope and happiness.
A beautiful day.
In spite of all the non-stop drama, I took the day off from the theatre today and went with Jami to the Irish Fair in Pomona. It's a small festival, not very exciting, but we met up with Bob who introduced us to Ken O'Malley and the Twilight Lords, an extremely talented Irish band. The lead man is obviously Ken O'Malley, and as we sat down and I listened to him sing, I was transfixed. An Irishman, from Dublin, and I had goosebumps as he sang Irish rebellion song and love songs and songs of longing for the homeland. Irish music reaches my heart like hardly anything else can and he nearly brought me to tears in the middle of the LA Fairgrounds. All my worries forgotten as I fell in love. A feeling I haven't had in months, and was beginning to fear I never would again. An older gentleman, but what matters that? How I long to be with a musician again. To share a life and listen to them play and sing to me alone. Silly I know, but it is a pretty picture. In a fit of foolishness, I confess I found him on Facebook and sent him a message just saying that I enjoyed the show. It would be lovely to get a response, but I certainly mustn't expect one. But wouldn't anyone like to get a random complementing email out of the blue? Just enjoy the lovely day and be better tomorrow, that's what matters.
Just good to know I'm still capable of feeling irrational hope and happiness.
A beautiful day.
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