1/24/12

So good news, the apartment people fixed my sink!

Bad news, I have to wait until my contract is up in May to get my iPhone. The one I've been jonesing for for months. Blerg.

Good news, I lost a pound! What?! A whole pound! Damn girl, how did you accomplish such a feat? Ok, yeah, fuck off, it's a small victory, but seriously my scale has said the exact same weight for a fucking month now so when it was a pound less this morning, it was a pretty good start to the day. And when you think about it, a pound is actually a pretty decent chunk of fat. I mean, go to the store and pick up a pound of lard and tell me that's not something. So there. Oh and I walked for 30 minutes, had yummy Chipotle and got the bowl, not the burrito and just did 40 situps and 20 pushups (wall pushups) Boo-yah!

On the drive into work this morning there were 2 cop cars parked on either side of the rural 2 lane highway that I drive everyday. Well one cop car and maybe a ranger or marshall or something. No sign of the cops themselves. This weirds me out way more than seeing a major accident or somehting because I'm generally convinced that they're off in the bushes looking at some half eaten corpse that was dumped there a month ago. Yes I watch a lot of CSI but seriously what else could they be doing there?

This concludes tonight's stream of conscious ramblings.

Welcome to confessions.

New Year New You

Ha! Yes there is implied sarcasm in the title of this blog.

So you might have noticed that I have changed the title of my blog. I had decided that the previous one sounded like I was going to write something really profound in this space and quite frankly it had begun to intimidate me. I blame it for my failure to write. It was a lie, I much more prefer the truth of this heading. I was going to go with "Confessions of a Spinster Cat Lady" but that just looked too pathetic and I knew that Jami would yell at me.

So here it is, Sunday morning again and I have wasted my morning so far being completely lazy. Really, there's laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning to be done, but I just can't bring myself to get started. And it's not like I've done anything all week. I am being held captive by my tv. It calls to me. Just turn me on, and everything will be ok... no just watch the same shows over and over again... really, we're your friends. Sigh. I do love my tv.

It's January and it's cold and my bed is so comfy.

I did audition for a show yesterday, for the first time in almost a year. Callbacks are tonight at 8pm (wtf?) and I did get called back so maybe if I get cast, that will liven things up a bit. I got a pedicure & bought some clothes. And then it was Hawaiian BBQ and tv the rest of the night. I really need to stop with the Hawaiian BBQ too, I eat it constantly.

I should be exercising too, but again, glued to the bed. Surprisingly enough, I have started doing Zumba, which I'm actually enjoying. It's hard and I always get a headache afterwards, but I feel good about it. I miss dancing. I miss my body being able to move and being flexible. If i don't get cast in this show, maybe I'll sign up for something else, maybe a yoga class somewhere.

I'm just afraid that I've turned into my ex-mother-in-law, who never dated anyone after her husband bailed on her and she had no friends, and filled up her time watching her soaps and taking exercise classes that didn't help her at all and eating and doing crafts from Michael's. I do a lot of those things and I swore I wasn't going to let that happen to me.

I miss the vibrant theatre life that I was leading. It's been almost 10 years since I joined my troupe and everything has changed since then. So many friendships broken, so many people gone on to other things. I just tried to do my best but somehow it got lost along the way and now I don't know where to go. It's not that I don't have good things and people now, I do. It's just that the passion isn't there, the spark, the connections, the fun. The spontaneity. I dunno, I feel like I grew up and it sucks as much as I thought it would. It's mundane.

So that's where I am today. Maybe I need something to work towards. Maybe I've achieved what there is to be achieved in OC theatre so what now? I've acted, directed, run a theatre, and there's really nothing to show for all that. I still feel as invisible as ever. It's really frustrating.

God, I'm bored.

Fat

So I went in for my physical today. I have a new doctor since my insurance changed at the beginning of the year, and I finally decided to speak up and ask what I can do about my weight. I've gained 9 lbs this year already and it just keeps going. It wasn't a pretty consultation. I have a really hard time talking about how hard this is for me. I hate my body. I mean loathe it. I'm probably more disgusted by my physical appearance than anyone else is. See I don't think about my body as me. It's this traitorous vessel that I've been stuck with and I'm essentially disconnected from it. It's the thing that prevents me from truly being able to enjoy anything, especially food. I love food. It's one of the few sources of pure pleasure that I have left and basically I was told today that my only hope of not continuing on as a hideous troll is to give that up as well. It's devastating to think about. I don't know how to find the balance here. Apparently exercise, while important,doesn't do much of anything to help with the weight loss. So yeah. I'm gonna take baby steps here, but it's time to get serious. I guess I start with the carbs. She says I don't have to eat veggies, I can eat fruits. And salads. Soups. Keep cooking at home. And just start paying attention. I have to get a scale and keep track of calories. Maybe just being aware of what I'm doing is a good place to start. I don't know, this is feeling really impossible today. Oh and I'm on a new anti-anxiety medicine. I'm not very happy about that either, but if it helps I guess it's worth it. If it doesn't, I at least feel like I can work with this doctor. She means well. She doesn't really get it, but she does mean well. 1 lb a week. It sounds like it should be so easy...

Such a contradictory day. Finally, a cold stormy day, a fall, nay, wintry day. A beautiful, dark wet day. I could finally be comfortable again. And yet, a frustrating day at work, full of anger and people being rude. I started taking my iron pills again so I do feel much better, at least not like I'm half dead anymore, though my tumtum is still being a bit dodgy. Aw well, home tonight and early to bed. To snuggle under the covers with the cat and smell the smoky cold air and wander off to dreamland.

What's next?

So the end of an era is upon us. Faustus closed last night, Jill's the new aD at HA and it seems as though it's time to start a new life. HA was my home for the last nine years or so, and I'm feeling a little homeless and lost at the moment. It's almost like going thru another, far less acrimonious divorce. And you know, the last one ended up being a really good idea so I really shouldn't be worried. So...what's next? I don't know. Everything I guess. Writing, painting, photos. I definitely could use a project. I look forward to hanging out with my friends, hopefully I still have friends to hang out with. I think I'd actually like to take a photography class & actually learn what I'm doing with the camera. I need to write. I should be writing every day, even if it's just nonsense, so forgive if there's some random shit that show's up on this blog (not that anyone really reads it anyway). Mostly I need to stop worrying about what I should be doing and really just get into what I'm into. Faustus was a really wonderful reminder of what it's like to immerse myself in something that I love. And yes what I love is dark. And poetic. And sometimes depressing. And usually not relevant to today's audiences. But fuck it. That's what I do and I'm just giving into it. Hello dark side, I'm home. So for wriing projects, I'll probably be discussing/reviewing whatever I'm reading or watching, there may be some bad poetry and random descriptive fiction. There may be some photo projects that show up and original abstract artwork. But I haven't completely said goodbye to theatre yet. i can't imagine at this point that I'll ever direct a show again, but I definitely want to start auditioning and getting out there. I miss acting, just not sure what's going to be available for me. I need some Shakespeare! The best part about directing is that you get to choose your project. No such luck as an actor. So anyway, that's where I'm at. Time for new adventures. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

It's getting better

I guess? No it is.  At least I hope so.  It's been an interesting month.  So I've been promoted at work, I'm a supervisor now and have an office which rocks! Scary part this week though, I have to write up the evaluations for the whole department and I don't wanna.  Sucks. But I will get through it. I've officially stepped down as AD at HA.  Still doing a lot of work there but no more meetings so that's a lot less pressure.  I really don't know what's going to happen with the theatre but it will be what it will be. It's time for me to move on.  I have very mixed feelings about that but I know I'm making the right move.

Faustus is nearly upon me, I can't believe the auditions are only 3 weeks away!  Ugh!  So not ready to direct another show. It's summer!  I want to go out and play! It's been really nice to be getting out again and hanging with my friends.  Oh well, one day at a time right? The point is with everything going on, I've been feeling better, no time for loneliness which is perfect.

However, I have had no time to get to the gym, and I've been eating like hell.  Not sure I'm going to keep the membership, I kinda hate it.  But I have to find some way to lose the weight.  So tired of feeling like a disgusting slob.  So for the time being I will focus on the food.  Must discipline myself.  No more chips & sweets!

Whatevs.

Exercise

Let's talk about exercise for a minute.  Going to the gym.  The giant wheel that has become necessary to our existence since we essentially caged ourselves in the post industrial revolution "service economy".  I think you begin to gather my attitude towards it.  And mostly because I have ruined the body I was given with my hedonistic ways and now find myself trying to turn back the clock by...going to the gym.  Fuck getting old.

I'm just tired of feeling like I can't do it.  I feel this way about everything anymore and I don't know how to stop the constant pity party I'm living in.  I know that I have worn out my welcome with almost all my friends, and who can blame them?  I can't stand being around myself anymore.  I don't know where my sense of humor went, my sense of adventure, my interest in anything.  I have become... the Most Un-Interesting Woman in the World. I should start a web series about how pathetic I've become. It's ridiculous. I'm practically invisible.

Goddamn depression, fuck your evil ass.  I am so sick of you!!!

Oh and by the way, exercise isn't helping.  I'm just sore.  Really really sore, which is just making me feel older so fuck that too.  Not in the I'm going to give up way, because I know I have to keep at it if I ever eventually want to feel better, but in the fuck I hate reality and the bullshit routines that it forces us to go through to survive kinda way.

So yeah.  I'm tired of keeping on the mask of trying to be a pleasant person in the hopes that people will like me better.  I'm tired of not saying what I feel.  I hate that people think that I'm scary and intimidating and unapproachable, but I guess that's what I am because trying to not be those things is just turning me into a really fucking boring and unhappy person.  And it hasn't changed anyone's opinion of me one jot.  So I guess I'm just an angry person.  There's a lot to be angry about.  And if that's all you can see, then fuck you, you deserve to be intimidated by me.  Because the truth is, I'm a very loving person.  Smart and funny with a gigantic lust for life.  The problem is I need to feel like someone gives a damn or all of that goes away.  And right now, I don't feel the love.  We are not meant to live alone.

Now that I have vomited all of that onto your computer screen, let me tell you something that happened yesterday.  A shining little moment of connection that I will hold onto in my time of need.  I was at my friend's birthday party, and there was a little boy there, 4 yrs old, who I had never met and in my detached way was not interacting with much because you know, I'm a stranger and he's a 4 yr old.  So we're all sitting there and he's taken over the house like kids do, but in a very polite way and he turns to me and he just asks very innocently "Are you a kid?"  And I said yes.  Because in that split second, I remembered my true self that I haven't talked to in a while, and all the truths that I hold dear were there.  Because this kid (and I've had this happen before with kids and it thrills me every time) saw a kinship and singled me out as the other kid in the room.  And to me that's the best thing in the world, because that's all I really want to be.  When I was in my 20's, I promised myself that I would never be a gr'up, fuck that.  And somehow recently I've started feeling guilty about that, like what a ridiculous way to live, look how much shit that philosophy has gotten me in, and I blame therapy for that.  I'm not saying 10 years of talking to a shrink didn't help in some ways, but the whole goal is a certain kind of conformity.  The whole idea of getting mentally "healthy" starts with the assumption that there is such a thing and you have to change who you are to get there.  But now, as I have cycled through every emotion in this blog (sorry if anyone is actually reading this), I am left with this moment with this kid, seeing my beautiful Peter Pan inside.  And you know what?

I will never be a gr'up. Fuck that.